The Power of Love
by LillyMayFlower
Summary: Lily and Ethan grow closer, but they both have problems they'd rather keep quiet. Once these problems spill into the E.D it interferes with their work and pushes their relationship to the limit.
1. Chapter 1

Lily was sitting in the staffroom, so engrossed in her book that she didn't notice when the door swung open and clicked shut a few seconds later. She looked up quickly when Ethan placed two cups of tea on the table in front of her and sat down on the sofa opposite. She smiled to him.

"Thank you," Lily said, swapping her book for her favourite mug. "You got it just right too," she said after taking a sip.

"Well, it's taken me long enough to work out exactly how you like it, that's for sure!" Ethan laughed, his eyes creasing happily, opening a small cut on his forehead. It took a few seconds for Lily to notice.  
"That's why you always watched so intently! You did do a good job though." She paused, taking another sip of tea. She narrowed her eyebrows suddenly. "You're bleeding, Ethan, did you know? You've got a cut, about an inch long, not very deep but bleeding down into your left eyebrow. Let me have a look at it, please?" It wasn't really a question: Lily was already halfway across the room to fetch the first aid kit from the wall. It was what most people, especially Ethan, admired about her. The way she could snap in a second between Lily and Dr Chao. Although many of the staff in the ED liked neither, Ethan couldn't help himself being hopelessly in love with them both. He nodded, knowing Lily could do far better job than he would be able to do in front of a mirror in the gents' toilets.

Lily worked quickly and in silence, only speaking when it was completely necessary. Both of them were appreciative of the peace, away from the punishing night shift in the ED and the constant pressure from Connie Beauchamp. Lily knew she meant well, but a little too often Connie came across as overly occupied with statistics rather than the actual patients. When necessary though, her bedside manner could be incredible, something Lily was determined to work on. With that in mind, she tried to be a little more chatty as she disinfected the cut.

"This may sting a little, sorry Ethan." He winced as she dabbed a cotton wool pad across his eyebrow. "How did this even happen? You're usually so careful!" She added that last part as an afterthought, it was rare she found a way to complement her colleague without coming across (in her opinion) as gushing. Which was why she usually kept her mouth shut and Dr Hardy was completely unaware they felt the same way about each other.

"Goodness, was that a complement from the inimitable Dr Chao?" Ethan smiled while Lily bit her lip and suppressed a ferocious blush that threatened to erupt from the base of her neck and flush her entire face if she wasn't careful.

"It was indeed, Dr Hardy." To take the attention off herself, Lily busied her mind with Ethan's cut. "Now what happened?"

"It must have been that delightfully inebriated young woman I treated last. She had nails like talons and didn't take too kindly to my advice to call it a night."

"Clearly not. What time is it?" Lily asked curiously, stifling a yawn. She was tired, and couldn't wait to go home to bed, to sort out her sleeping pattern after three night shifts.

"Nearly two." Ethan said, checking his watch. "Nearly home time," he corrected himself, remembering the shift was more than half over now. A crease formed between Lily's eyebrows as she pulled a pack of closure tapes from the first aid kit.

"It's a little deeper than I thought, you don't mind if I use a couple of these do you?" Lily said, changing the subject.

"Not at all. Although I doubt you're going to give me much choice!" Ethan laughed.

"Keep still, you don't want one of these stuck in your eyebrows." Focusing on his face, she put a hand in his hair to steady him. It was every bit as soft as it looked.

"Hey, are you okay Lily?" he said, suddenly concerned. Letting her guard down in exhaustion, for once Lily was honest with him about how she felt. Unfortunately not about him – she wasn't quite tired enough for that.

"I'm exhausted. Completely drained," she began gently, packing things back into the first aid box before clicking back into doctor mode. "You should leave those strips on for as long as it takes for the cut to completely dry out. Maybe after you've woken up later on." She stood up and jumped in surprise to see Connie at the door. She wondered how long the clinical lead had been standing there. Lily didn't want any trouble about being overtired. Luckily it seemed Connie hadn't heard anything.

"Dr Chao, you have an exceptionally steady hand." Connie's complement was immediately disguised by sharp instructions. "Put it to use on the patients please. Dr Hardy, if you're adequately patched up we need you in resus. There's an RTC on it's way in, ETA five minutes." She turned and left the room, her high heels echoing clicks across the ED. Lily put the first aid box back on the wall and began meticulously scrubbing her hands at the sink.

"I didn't get to finish my tea," she said wistfully. Ethan plucked up all of his courage while Lily was facing the wall.

"I can make you another, later on, if you like." he paused, biting his lip and deciding what to say next. "Lily, you're exhausted, you said it yourself. I don't want you driving home like this, it's not safe. Please come home with me, you can crash on the sofa for a few hours then I can bring you back here for your moped."

Too tired to refuse, Lily accepted Ethan's offer and was very pleased the wall was hiding her blushes and a smile.

"That would be lovely." Lily didn't trust herself to turn around straight away, but when she did, she ran a hand down her sleek ponytail, looked Ethan in the eyes and said earnestly "The tea really was lovely, thank you."

"It was my pleasure Lily. Now, back to work, before Mrs Beauchamp comes looking for us again!" He adjusted his glasses and brushed his fingers against his neatly mended eyebrow, smiling appreciatively.


	2. Chapter 2

Lily could barely remember the next few hours. The stream of patients was punctuated by Lily splashing her face with cold water to remain alert. At five o'clock, with another two hours before she could retreat to Ethan's for a well-earned rest, Connie drew the line.

"Dr Chao. Lily!" It took a moment to get the junior doctor's attention: she was nursing a cup of coffee and looking like she was ready to drop off at any second.

"Sorry Mrs Beauchamp. I'm just – heading back to – to resus," Lily stammered.

"No you're not, not like this. You don't even like coffee, what are you doing Lily?" Connie might have been a strict clinical lead, but she'd been in medicine long enough to understand when it was time to call it a day. She spoke gently and prised the cup from Lily's hands despite her protests.

"Dr Chao – Lily," she said, placing a motherly hand on her shoulder. "You're completely dead on your feet. You're no good to me as a doctor in this state and quite honestly you're doing the patients a disservice if you're not at your best. You need to go home and rest, so you're on top form for your next shift. Okay?"

"But Mrs Beauchamp, I'm fine, I've only got another two hours, I'll just -" Lily floundered, not knowing how to justify herself.

"No. Lily, when you're running at full capacity you can be an amazing doctor. But not like this. Go home, please." Lily knew she couldn't win this argument.  
"I can't, I'm busy, and needed everywhere." Lily sighed. "And Ethan – Dr Hardy – said he would drive me home later because he didn't think I was safe to drive myself."

"That is highly commendable on his part. In that case I suggest you get some rest in the on-call room until seven o'clock. You need sleep, Lily, you've worked hard tonight," Connie said as she squeezed Lily's shoulder comfortingly, making a mental note to remind Ethan that Lily wouldn't be floating around the ED at seven am.

The on-call room, tucked away almost outside of Accident and Emergency, was a favourite space of almost every doctor. It was, of course, open to all of Holby's ED staff members, but it was a rare occasion when anyone other than a doctor needed it. Lily in particular liked it a lot. It was very comforting to retreat to a bed with clean sheets after a punishing shift. This morning was no exception. Usually Lily would have made a little more effort to remove her minimal make-up, but today she was hard pressed to do anything but fall back on the bed into a comfortable sleep, without even getting between the duvet and mattress.

At seven o'clock, Ethan collected his coat, wallet and phone from his locker. A blue post-it note had been pushed through the vent of the locker, written in a hand he recognised to belong to Connie. Lily is in the on-call room, she wanted me to let you know. Sincerely, Mrs Beauchamp. Ethan smiled into his locker; it seemed Lily might be starting to accept advice. Making his way back through the ED, he was pleased that Cal was on holiday. He'd been teased by his brother for long enough about never "making a move" - Cal's words, not his own. This way at least he could be private and polite, neither of them Cal's strong point. Ethan knocked tentatively at the door of the on-call room. There was no response, so he called her name. Knowing she would no doubt be fast asleep, Ethan didn't worry when there was still no response. Instead he pulled a fifty pence from the pocket of his jeans and inserted it into the safety catch of the lock. Twisting it clockwise twice, he was thankful for once of Cal's knowledge of sneaking around. Ethan pushed the door open and was greeted by the sight of Lily, sound asleep on top of the covers and still fully clothed in scrubs (which, come to think of it, he was exceptionally grateful for.) Her glasses were on the cabinet and their absence gave him the chance to see her eyelashes, which, he noted, were much longer than they looked when her eyes were shielded by her glasses.

"Lily? It's seven o'clock, we're going home." Lily groaned in response and rolled on to her side, rubbing her eyes and smudging her eyeliner onto her cheeks. She felt only slightly refreshed, it was impossible to relax fully – there was always the possibility of being roused to assist the trauma team after an accident. She was pleased that Ethan hadn't turned on the harsh ceiling lights, instead opting to open the curtains and let the morning sun light the room.

"Good morning Lily," Ethan said calmly. "Ready to go?"

"Yes, thank you," she said whilst stretching. "I need to get my bag and coat, then we can leave.

In Ethan's car, heading away from work, a thought suddenly struck Lily.

"Wait, how did you get in? I thought I locked the door, I'm sure I'd never forget anything that basic!" She watched Ethan tap the steering wheel and shift awkwardly in his seat. "Ethan?" She raised on eyebrow, in the exact way she used when searching for information from a patient. Ethan glanced at her in his mirror and was obliged to answer.

"Yes, well, um, Cal once taught me, if you put a coin in the safety catch on the outside of the door and twist it a certain way..." He paused. "Sorry, Lily, I did knock first, but I knew you were asleep and I thought you'd want waking up. I know how impossible it is to sleep properly in that room and-"

"It's okay," Lily cut in, very aware of the way Ethan babbled when he was nervous. "I just wanted to know, and make sure I hadn't made the biggest rookie mistake in the book." She placed her hand over his on the gearstick and smiled. "Although you'd better hope I don't have any change next time you're sleeping in there!" Lily laughed and watched Ethan relax his shoulders back to normal.

"I won't worry myself too much. I don't sleep like a log, unlike you – ow!" Lily had flicked his ear playfully. "I'd easily hear someone trying to break in, no problem."

"Don't bet I wouldn't test that theory. How's your eyebrow?" Lily changed the subject to avoid thinking of seeing Ethan asleep when he already had such an innocent face when he was awake. She felt like her own features were so much more angular compared to the smooth lines between his eyes when he crinkled them to laugh. His whole persona was soft and kind, hers more pointed and not nearly as friendly. Precisely the reason she though Ethan would never see anything in her, and that by itself was enough to encourage her to improve her bedside manner.

"It's much better now. Quite a few people complemented how neat you'd been with it, actually."

"I'd expect nothing less, I didn't want you to end up scarred at the hands of an inebriated partygoer and an inept junior doctor!"

"I didn't see an inept junior doctor, mine was perfectly brilliant. And I think her bedside manner might be improving a little too." Lily didn't have the energy to conceal her blush, it was spreading inwards from her ears and flooding her cheeks. She pressed her cool hand to them as they drove on. Not looking back at her, Ethan said something that did nothing but increase the intensity of her blush, despite her hands trying to hide it.

"You don't have to hide it when you blush, you know. I can always tell anyway, your eyes sparkle. I think it's beautiful."

Lily made a mental note never to stop herself blushing around Ethan ever again.

"You do?" She coughed, trying to cover how excited she sounded. "I mean, I didn't realise you paid me that much attention. I don't think anyone has ever paid me that much attention before." She looked out of the window for the short remainder of the journey, so she didn't notice that the tips of Ethan's ears were pink and he was smiling broadly out of the windscreen.

"This is it, I'm afraid," he said as he stopped the car outside a small terraced house far bigger than Lily's first floor apartment. Her eyes widened, but knowing how shy and sensitive Ethan could be, she made no comment about his home. She stayed quiet as he led her up the path, into the hall and then gestured to the living room. Luckily for her, Ethan attributed the silence to her tiredness and remained equally quiet until she sat down.

"I would offer you the spare room, but it's something of a mess, I'm still sorting through a lot of Mum's stuff up there." He paused suddenly, pressing his lips together. "I'll go and get you a pillow and some blankets." He slipped out of the room without another word and had to lean against the wall at the top of the stairs before entering the spare bedroom. Truth be told, he wasn't sorting his mother's belongings, it was all still boxed up from the hospice and he couldn't bring himself to look at it all. Most of all, he didn't want Lily knowing he wasn't dealing with his grief even four months later.

Taking a deep breath, he rushed in and out of the room, spending barely ten seconds grabbing a pillow, sheet and duvet. Ethan took a moment to compose himself before returning to the living room.


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm really sorry to anyone who though they'd read this chapter already, my internet completely froze up and I ended up putting the wrong chapter up (this is so embarrassing, I really wanted things to work properly.) I've deleted and re-uploaded to make sure it's all right this time around. There weren't any major spoilers, not really, but it will certainly make a lot more sense in this order! Sorry for making a total mess, please forgive me and keep reading!**

"So, the bathroom is upstairs on your left, the kitchen is just through there if you want anything. I'm usually a dreadful host, have I forgotten anything?" Ethan said as he turned the sofa into an impromptu bed.

"No, I think you're doing a great job," Lily smiled. "What time are you getting up later? I don't want to overstay my welcome, you've already been too kind to me today."  
"I think it would be very difficult for you to stay too long," Ethan said, squeezing Lily's shoulder. "I imagine I'll get up around eleven or so, long enough to get a decent rest but not quite long enough to mean I won't sleep tonight."  
"That sounds fine to me. Thank you so much for this."  
"It's not a problem. I'll see you later then, sleep well," he said as he left the room.

Lily slept better than she had done for quite a while. Ethan was right, she was a very heavy sleeper – she didn't even stir when he came downstairs at eleven o'clock and padded through to the kitchen. As he filled the kettle with water she rolled over, still asleep, and let one arm fall over the side of the sofa. He turned the kettle on and stood at the kitchen door for a moment, just admiring how pretty Lily was, even asleep. He usual ponytail had been untied before she went to sleep so her hair was loose, thick strands falling across her face. It was still perfectly straight, even though she'd slept on it. Ethan sat at the end of the couch, first checking hat she slept with her feet tucked up.

"Good morning, again," he said softly. "I'm making breakfast so feel free to join me when you're ready." Lily opened her eyes sleepily, taking a moment to remember exactly why her wake up call was coming from a casually dressed and sleep-tousled Ethan Hardy.

"I forgot for a second where I was," she laughed sheepishly. "I'll come through in a moment."

Lily took a few minutes longer than usual in Ethan's bathroom, trying her best to look somewhat presentable. Brushing her fingers through her hair, she decided against her normal ponytail, instead French braiding her hair down the centre of her head. Looking around the bathroom, Lily spotted a bottle of mouthwash at the edge of the sink. Deciding she'd rather have fresh breath than leave Ethan's bathroom items untouched, she poured a little of the blue liquid into the cap. She knew Ethan's lips had probably touched the white plastic hundred of times before. She made an effort to barely touch the cap with her mouth. Lily dabbed a little Vaseline on her lips – it was one of the few cosmetic items she couldn't live without, and carried with her everywhere.

In the kitchen, Ethan had originally struggled deciding what to cook for breakfast. However, he'd eventually settled on the mini pancakes his mother used to make. When Lily came back into the kitchen, he was spooning batter into the pan, humming absent mindedly along to the radio.

"Pancakes?" Lily asked hopefully, pouring water from the kettle into two mugs.

"Yes. Whatever you hear from Caleb, my pancakes are almost certainly better than his."

"I don't doubt it for a second. Cal strikes me as a little too... haphazard to follow a recipe properly?"  
"My thoughts exactly," Ethan said.

Lily continued, "Whereas you're more methodical. Both in work and out."

"If you want something doing, one must do it properly." Ethan's ears were glowing from the complement.

"Since you have a thing for me blushing, can I just say I think it's really cute when your ears go pink?" Lily said.

"Well, if you must," Ethan said, smiling. "I think we can agree to feel a little uneasy about each other's weird likes though." He flipped the pancakes expertly onto a plate, without looking up.

"These are just out of this world, they just taste incredible," Lily remarked as she slid another pancake onto her plate and dusted it with icing sugar.

"What can I say, my mum's recipe never fails." But saying it out loud made it so much more final in Ethan's mind that she was really gone. His face dropped and he took a deep, shuddering breath. He put a finger under his eye to catch a tear before it fell. Lily was silent, but put a comforting hand over his on the table. He flinched, and considered pulling his hand away, before relenting and crossing his fingers into hers, accepting the comfort of having someone close. A few moments later he sniffed and sat up straighter, but didn't move his hand.

"I'm sorry. It's been four months, I shouldn't be -"

"Feeling any different to how you are now," Lily cut in. "It's perfectly acceptable to grieve, Ethan." Guessing why he felt so bad about showing his feelings, she went on, "Just because Cal looks like he's getting on with things, it honestly does not mean you have to follow suit."  
"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put a damper on the morning." Ethan was far too accustomed to pushing his feelings aside. Cal seemed so much stronger for just getting on with everything. And yet sometimes Ethan found it hard to even get up in the morning, struggling to find a reason for being after caring for his mother for so long and seeing her sunshine smile every day.

"You're not putting a damper on things. You're being normal and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your brother included."

They were silent for a while, finishing the last of the pancakes. Ethan spoke eventually, making Lily's heart fly in her chest.

"And who said your bedside manner was unsatisfactory?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry to anyone who read the wrong Chapter Three that I put up earlier. I've since realised my mistake and put the proper one up, so if you haven't yet seen it, please read it as this is the proper order! Thank you to everyone who had read and reviewed so far, it's really, really appreciated.**

Lily and Ethan's first day shift back at Holby City's Emergency Department was hectic, as they had expected. Fully rested, Lily was in her element and proving Connie right: she was moving patients through the ED smoothly, at the proper pace, taking the time to review every case properly and consulting her seniors when necessary. Most impressively for the clinical lead, Dr Chao was becoming increasingly empathetic, treading carefully and speaking sympathetically around sensitive patients. Connie attributed her improved medical performance to the hours of meticulous study Lily was putting in. More difficult to explain was her sudden improvement in bedside manner. She knew Lily well enough by now to know she obviously had some kind of motivation.

Dr Zoe Hanna strode across the ED towards Ethan, wearing expensive stilettos and the face of determination all the staff had grown to recognise.

"Dr Hardy, we've got an RTC on the way in, elderly female driver requiring intensive care, ETA four minutes. We'll need you in resus as soon as possible." She barely had time to wait for his nod of agreement before she was called into cubicles to give a second opinion. Ethan checked the notes left by the department's red phone (the one reserved for severe emergencies.) His eyes widened and he rushed from resus, almost knocking over Robyn as she crossed the department.

"Hey, look where you're going!" she called.

"Sorry, I need to find-" He paused a second. "I need to find something," he said, not wanting to admit he had less than four minutes to find a someone, not a something. Relieved, Ethan found Lily outside the locker room. He breathlessly tried to explain.

"There's an RTC coming in, ETA less than four minutes. Can you please cover for me? I'll pay you back, Dr Chao, I promise, I just really can't do this one right now." Ethan's panicked tone worried Lily somewhat, but the lack of time to get scrubbed up meant she couldn't do anything but agree. She squeezed Ethan's hand. Unusually, it was very cold.

"Are you okay?" she asked, concerned.

"Yes, I just need you to cover this one case for me. Thank you ever so, Lily." With that, he disappeared in the direction of the on-call room. Lily was more than a little puzzled but didn't have time to chase after him.

"Dr Chao?" Zoe said, confused. "I thought I asked Dr Hardy to assist with this case?"

"You did," Lily replied. "But he said he couldn't, I think he was called away," she invented, trying to cover for Ethan. Zoe looked like she didn't believe what Lily was saying, but at that moment Dixie and Jeff pushed a stretcher through the doors and their work began.

"This is Hilda James, 79, driving the car which was struck by a van travelling at approximately 40mph. She's suffered injuries to her chest, confirmed fractured right hip, question of head injuries. BP high, sats 97% and resps fluctuating," Dixie recited professionally before leaving the two female doctors to work. Zoe and Lily worked seamlessly around each other, as if they could predict what the other was thinking. Forty minutes later, Zoe called time and discharged their patient to the orthopaedics ward.

"Good work Dr Chao. Mrs Beauchamp was right, you're improving massively at the moment. We make a good team," Zoe said, appreciative of her junior's help.

"Thank you, Dr Hanna. If I'm not needed, here, I'm going to see what happened to Ethan. If I'm honest I've been worried about him lately. Is that okay with you?" Lily asked.

"Go, by all means Lily." As she turned to leave, Zoe called her back. "Lily? If there's anything I can help with, you'll let me know?"

"Of course Dr Hanna. If you'll excuse me." Lily left resus and headed straight for the on-call room.

Lily knocked at the door. There was no response. Wondering where on earth Ethan could have gone, Lily was going to alert Zoe that she couldn't find him, when it struck her that the vertical blinds hadn't quite been pulled closed inside the room. This was unusual – anyone sleeping in the room would pull them tightly shut to protect their privacy. Peering through the small gaps, Lily could make out a masculine form curled up on top of the bedcovers. The room was dimly lit, so Lily struggled at first to identify the shape as Ethan. She tapped on the window. He was a light sleeper, he'd said it himself so why hadn't he responded to her knocking at the door, and then on the glass? Remembering his secret to opening the door, she turned out her pockets. Unluckily they were empty of any change. She sighed, worrying about the hunched form on the bed. Rushing back to the ED, she stopped the first person she came across.

"Charlie? Do you have a fifty pence I could borrow for literally five minutes?" Charlie Fairhead raised his eyebrows but put his hands in his pockets regardless. A second later he pulled a new coin from the pocket of his dark blue scrubs.

"There you go Lily. What's it for?"

Pausing, Lily decided she could trust Charlie with the truth, he would keep it to himself at least. "Ethan's locked himself in the on-call room and won't let me in, or answer when I knock. I'm worried because he's told me he's a light sleeper so why wouldn't he answer?" Lily babbled. Charlie held up his hands to stop her.

"Okay, stop panicking. Just take the coin and go," he said calmly. Lily was relieved she didn't have to explain the coin, although she would have expected Charlie to know how to get into the on-call room; he'd been working at Holby longer than anyone.

Lily almost ran to the on-call room. Her hands shook as she put the coin in the catch and turned it hard, clockwise, twice. As she did so, she called through the door.

"I'm sorry I have to do this Ethan. Hopefully it's for your own good."


	5. Chapter 5

Ethan wasn't sleeping in the on-call room, neither was he unconscious as Lily had feared as she entered the room. He was curled up on the bed, with his eyes wide open, staring into space expressionlessly. He felt completely numb and his red-ringed eyes showed that he had cried for most of his time in the room.

"Ethan, are you okay?" Lily whispered. He stayed staring straight ahead.

"I don't know. Please stay," he murmured, sounding so wounded and vulnerable that Lily was compelled to stay. She sat on the bed next to him, then on a spur of the moment idea, she lay with him on the bed. She placed one hand on his shoulder. Aware of her comfort, Ethan couldn't stop himself letting out a shuddering sob and Lily stroked his hair in an attempt to comfort him. A complete novice where emotions were concerned, she felt powerless to do anything but let Ethan cry himself out. The sobs racked his body, waves of emotion that crashed through his fragile body. It was a long time before they subsided, leaving Lily free to hug him tightly.

"Take some deep breaths Ethan, it's going to be okay." She helped him to sit up straight and rubbed his back while he leaned down, resting his elbows on his knees. "I'm going to get you two paracetamol, you're going to take them and then we're going to talk about this," Lily said authoritatively, feeling uncomfortable about leaving Ethan by himself.

She met Zoe in the locker room as she felt around inside her locker for a box in paracetamol tablets.

"Did you find him then Lily?" Zoe asked, tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Yes. He's in the on-call room like I thought, but..." Lily wavered.

"But what? Is there something wrong?" Zoe snapped into concern.

"Not exactly. When I found him he was just staring into space, but he's been crying. He started again when I sat with him and I only left when it stopped. It took so long for him to calm down, I don't have any idea what caused it." Lily chewed the inside of her cheek.

"Maybe you were right to be worried," Zoe said, frowning. "Make sure you keep me posted, okay?"

"Of course Dr Hanna. I'm just really concerned, I've never seen anyone fall to pieces like that before."

"Try and stay calm, that's my advice to you. And be a friend, just listen. Let me know if there's anything I can do, or if something needs to be put in place for him." Lily nodded but Zoe could tell what was still playing on her mind. "If Mrs Beauchamp comes looking for you, I'll tell her what's going on, and make sure she doesn't come breathing down her neck." Lily laughed, and returned to the on-call room feeling refreshed.

Ethan accepted two pills and a glass of water. Passing them to him, Lily noticed his hands were cool again.

"Now please, please tell me what's going on. Let me in so I can make it stop," Lily said.

"Oh Lily," Ethan whispered. "I don't think you can. Hilda James -" He stopped, biting his lip hard. He shook his head, but Lily reached out and took one of his hands in hers.

"It's okay. Just say it, and we can help you. But you need to know that Zoe knows we're here and she's offered her help if you need it." Ethan nodded , taking a deep breath to push down his emotions.

"Hilda James presented identical pre-existing conditions to my mother. I couldn't deal with being faced with that, I just couldn't do it. I'd be a terrible doctor if I tried to treat her. I had to give her an even chance and I knew it wouldn't happen if I was involved in her care. Why am I such a terrible doctor?" All of his efforts to push back his emotions suddenly failed, his shoulders shaking as he rocked backwards. Almost instinctively, Lily pulled him into a hug, holding his head to her chest, holding him steady and hoping she could hold him together a little longer.

"Ethan, don't you dare tell yourself you're anything less than a brilliant doctor. You need to accept your grief because when you do you can close the box on it and leave it behind. You didn't fail Hilda James, you've never failed a single patient and you've got absolutely no right to believe you ever will. You can get over this, and you will, because I'll be here for you. I can help you, or get help for you, but you have to promise me you'll start believing you can do this."

Ethan looked a little stunned, it was rare for Lily to say so much in one go. He looked straight into her brown eyes and saw only comfort staring back at him. And then a flash, a sparkle, that showed maybe they did feel the same way. Nearly calm, Ethan managed to voice his biggest worry.

"What if I forget her? What if I wake up one day and she isn't there?"

"She will always be with you Ethan, never forget that. She lives on in the things you remember and the way you honour her memories. I never met her but I will find a way to help you remember. You will get through this Ethan. I will always be here," she stressed.

"Someone really ought to tell Dr Chao that her bedside manner is amazing." Ethan smiled weakly. Lily was surprised but not unhappy when he pressed his lips against hers. They were soft and warm and tasted of tears. Knowing it was her best opportunity, when they pulled apart she closed her eyes and took a breath.

"I love you Ethan, I really do."

"I love you too."

After a while sitting in silence, Lily stood up.

"I need to go back to work, Zoe will ask and I'm going to tell her what's happened," she said.

"Hopefully not everything," Ethan grinned, his eyes sparkling.

"Perhaps not. And in the meantime, you need to go home, you're not fit to be out there, treating patients."

"No, I'm okay now, I'll be fine." Ethan paused, wondering whether Lily would dispute his judgement. Trusting him, she didn't. "Lily? I wasn't joking about your bedside manner, it was completely unrivalled, unless you compare yourself to... I don't know, maybe Charlie?"

"Leave Charlie out of this, he's worked in this place forever!" Lily argued, laughing.

"Sorry," he said. "I have a sneaking suspicion that perhaps that wasn't Dr Chao talking though. Maybe it was just Lily."

She sighed. "What's your point?"

"My point is, if you were like that with the patients you'd have Connie eating out of your hand."

Lily brushed a kiss across his forehead before heading back to the ED, struggling to hide the happy glow erupting from inside her.


	6. Chapter 6

"Dr Hanna, can I have a word please, if you're not busy?" Lily asked, fidgeting with the hem of her scrubs.

"Yes, of course. Dr Keogh?" Zoe called across the ED. "Dylan, I'm leaving you in charge here, okay?" Lily felt awkward and embarrassed when she heard his frustrated sigh and sarcastic response.

"No problem, I love nothing more than dealing with grumpy patients," he said.

"You'll get on like a house on fire, I'm sure," Zoe replied, mirroring his tone. "Besides, you're not getting any choice in the matter. Stop moaning!" she said matter of factly before leading Lily to her office.

"So what happened to Ethan?" she said, correctly guessing what Lily had pulled her aside for.

"He was in pieces, like I said, because of his mother. Hilda James presented identical pre-existing conditions to his mother." Zoe sank down into her desk chair, rubbing her forehead with the tips of her fingers.

"I told Connie we should have offered him more support. There's no way any of us should have let him go unchecked for so long."

"Don't blame yourself, or Connie for this, Dr Hanna," Lily said bitterly. "I think I know exactly who is at fault here. And it's just his luck that he's on holiday this week or I'd be giving him a piece of my mind!" Lily took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling for a moment.

"What's Cal done now?" Zoe asked, raising one eyebrow.

Only gone and made Ethan feel completely inadequate for showing any kind of emotion. Which made him bottle it all up until he snapped, twice this week!"

"Twice? You mean this has happened before?"

Lily sighed. She hadn't wanted anyone knowing she'd stayed at Ethan's, but at least Zoe wasn't a gossip. She carefully explained everything that had happened between her and Ethan over the last few days, deliberately omitting some of the finer points. Zoe rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"There's nothing we can do about Cal, on a professional level at least." she said, an obvious edge of stress in her voice. She softened a little as she changed the subject. "With Ethan though... any thoughts?" Lily tilted her head to one side, thinking. Ethan would hardly be one to consider seeing a grief counsellor. But Zoe wasn't stupid, she'd be able to see as well as Lily could that he wouldn't take kindly to being treated like a patient here. She shook her head sadly, her shoulders drooping a little.  
"In the meantime, I'm considering pulling him from any case involving the elderly. We can't afford another crisis of confidence, he's too fragile at the moment." Zoe scribbled a note and slipped it into her diary.

"But you can't make a big deal out of it, it has to be kept low key. I can't hide this from him though, I'll have to tell him," Lily stressed.

"No, you're right. Only a fool could fail to see you care about him a lot." Zoe said at last. Lily nodded, but only very slightly: she didn't want to end up the subject of staffroom chatter.

"It's okay Lily, your secret is safe with me," Zoe smiled. "If you're going to make a go of it I think you'd make a lovely couple." Lily's cheeks glowed. "Just promise me, please, that you won't try to take it all on your shoulders. Keep me in the loop, okay?"

Lily nodded. "Thank you, Zoe." When she returned to the ED, she realised it was the first time she'd called the senior consultant by her first name.

Ethan seemed to be pushing his emotions aside in favour of throwing himself into his work. Lily was pleased that he looked as though he was coping better over the next few days, but her worries never wholly disappeared. She watched him intently when they ended up working with the same patient, determined that she could intervene and catch him before he fell into grieving at work again. At the end of an almost peaceful shift (by ED standards at least) Lily brought him a cup of tea in the staffroom.

"I think it's about time I returned the favour, don't you?" she said, smiling and placing a hand on his shoulder. He gratefully accepted the cup on the table. After pausing to drink a little of the tea, he decided now was as good a time as he was ever going to get. The staffroom was busy, they wouldn't be overheard, which he was pleased about. He'd practised this enough in front of his bathroom mirror to know that if he messed it up he'd sound like a complete idiot.

"Lily, let me take you out to dinner." He took one of her hands in his, hoping he hadn't just made a total fool of himself.

"What's the occasion?" she asked.

"If it isn't too horrendously clichéd, you are." Lily sat straight upright, not quite sure how to respond.

"It is, it's such a cliché, but please keep going. I'd love to know why you think I, of all people, deserve celebrating." She was a little uneasy, it was a very long time since anyone had asked her out, and even longer since she'd put up an icy front and pretended not to be bothered by any of it. Ethan smiled kindly, putting her more at ease than she'd ever felt around a man.

"I know it's you who keeps taking over when I can't even start a case, or follows one up when I've done it wrong. I know it's you who's pulling me back from the edge, because when I'm with you I feel normal again. You're calm and steady and you don't let things get on top of you. And I am so grateful for having you in my life." He paused, looking at Lily, whose eyes were averted from his face. She couldn't bring herself to look at him; she knew she wouldn't be able to stem her tears if she did. He panicked. "Have I said something wrong? I'm sorry -" he babbled, fiddling with the catch of his watch awkwardly.

"Of course you haven't. No-one has ever gone to this much effort to make me feel special," she whispered, not wanting any chance of being heard by the others.

"Well I am, because I think you're worth it. Of course I appreciate your professional excellence – you;re one of the best junior doctors I've ever come across. But I love Lily more than I love Dr Chao, even though I know the lines between you get thinner every day. You're beautiful and elegant and I could keep going... But I can't remember the other things I wanted to say. I'm sorry if I've embarrassed you but I just wanted to say enough to convince you I want you to be my girlfriend."

Lily wiped tears from her cheeks, and looked up into Ethan's hopeful brown eyes.

"Yes. And I'll see you at half past seven," she added firmly, making sure she was too much of a gushing fool. But then she realised she actually didn't care any more. Ethan had just reeled off a beautiful script that made her feel like the whole room was empty except for them, so what did it matter if other people knew how incredible she felt, right now? Not worrying if other people saw, she kissed the space between his eyebrows lightly as she got up to leave. Smiling broadly, Ethan drank some more tea and hid behind his book. He caught a glimpse of Zoe through two sets of windows, smiling over a cup of coffee in her office.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you so much for your kind reviews, every single one has made me smile! This chapter is a little shorter than the others so far, but I hope you enjoy it all the same!**

Lily found it surprisingly easy to relax around Ethan. His smile was warm and their hands fitted together perfectly across the restaurant table.

"You should know," she said shyly, "I'm not good at this. Going on dates and being in a relationship. I've never done it before."

"I don't suppose it counts if I had a 'girlfriend' when you were six," Ethan joked.

"No, probably not. Maybe we should agree to having no idea what we're doing and muddle through from there." Ethan smiled in response, that sounded like a good enough idea to him. He insisted on paying for the meal despite Lily's protests. She secretly found it admirable that he was such a gentleman, especially in comparison to his brother. She knew her parents would be proud if they found out her boyfriend was so caring, as well as high achieving and hard working. With a pang of disappointment she remembered that they would probably be more concerned that she was taking time out of her meticulous medical study to have a relationship. She pushed her parents out of her mind to enjoy being driven home. It was a pleasantly cool evening; they drove with the windows half open, a soothing breeze flowing into the car.

"I realised something last night," Ethan said.

"And what would that be?"

"Well, you know when my birthday is, on account of Caleb and his cake sparkler that nearly burnt down the ED." Lily snorted with laughter, remembering how Charlie had leapt into action with a fire extinguisher when Cal's well-meaning surprise had toppled onto his unfiled paperwork. "But no-one knows when yours is."

"Probably because I got off on the wrong foot with so many people – including you! But it's next month. I didn't want to make a fuss, so I swear if you come into work with one of those sparklers I will torch all of your paperwork!" Ethan laughed as he slowed the car to turn into Lily's street.

"There's no danger of that. I don't even know where one would buy a cake sparkler." He stopped the car. "Thank you, for a lovely evening."

"I should be thanking you, after all you paid tonight! That was a lovely gesture by the way," she said.

"I just think a gentleman should always pay for the first date."

"Clearly not something you learnt from your brother. Is that what we're calling this then, a proper date?" Lily said. Ethan was equally dazed by the whole affair and paused for a moment before responding.

"Yes, I think so. I mean, if you want it to be."

"I promise I want nothing more than for this to be proper and real."

Then their lips touched, and pressed together for a long time. All Lily could think about was how happy this made her, to be sitting in the half-darkness in Ethan's car with his warm, smooth lips pressed against hers. Ethan could feel the cool tip of Lily's nose beside his own, and a growing sense of contentment and pride. He had certainly got one over on his childhood bullies who had made him feel like he could never be loved. And finally, finally, he had something that Caleb didn't – something that resembled a stable relationship, unlike his brother's continuous stream of short and unsuccessful dates. He stroked Lily's loose but still razor straight hair.

"I'll see you tomorrow then, bright and early?"

"I can't think of anything better," she replied, her cheeks glowing as he kissed her forehead lightly. "Goodnight, Ethan."

Lily leant against the back of her front door. What was she doing? Getting into a relationship with a colleague was not part of her five year plan! She wasn't even meant to be staying in the ED if she was following her plan to the letter, as she had originally intended. But Ethan made her feel beautiful, and special. Like she was truly wanted and more importantly that she was needed. She couldn't shake the feeling that came over her when Ethan was in the room. It started with a flutter in the top of her chest, that seeped out into the rest of her body, making her skin tingle and her every fibre want to be closer to him. It was then that she realised she needed Ethan just as much as he needed her.

Perhaps the five year plan was not meant to last. It had been set by someone Lily barely felt she knew anymore. A self-confident, almost arrogant new doctor with scant concern for the feelings of her patients and anything other than desperately trying to make her parents proud. A woman who didn't know the feeling of being pulled off course by a slightly geeky but courteous and attractive blonde registrar. Even thinking of him made her smile.


	8. Chapter 8

**Another short chapter, but an important one so I hope you like it!**

Ethan was less than pleased to get a phone call from his brother when he got home. But it didn't matter, there was no way he'd be disclosing any information about recent events, whether they included Lily or not. He spent the entirety of the four minute conversation almost completely zoned out, not wishing to make any effort to sound interested. He spoke in a falsely positive tone when Caleb informed him that he'd be back in work the next day. When he hung up, he sat back against the sofa and sighed. Hopefully Lily wouldn't massively overreact to his brother's return, but he knew how angry she still was about everything he'd done following their mother's death.

Although they were not making a conscious effort to be secretive, neither Lily nor Ethan were confident enough to be overtly romantic on the presence of their colleagues. Zoe gave Lily a wry smile in the staffroom.

"I hope you two had a good evening together," she said quietly.

"Oh no, everyone knows, don't they!" Lily said, blushing furiously.

"It's not public knowledge, but it's not a total secret either. Just make sure there are no porters around next time you're making plans!" Lily relaxed and made a mental note to rush Max more than usual for the rest of the day. "You don't need to worry too much, no-one suspected anything when you spent time together before. Just try not to act completely loved up if you end up on the same case. Connie will throw a fit if she thinks the department is suffering as a result of, heaven forbid, normal relationships!" Zoe's reassuring manner made Lily much more comfortable; she didn't feel awkward about making conversation with Ethan in public after that, although she did consciously monitor her words when their fellow staff members were around.

She found it much harder to hold her tongue and remain civil when, later in the day, she was left alone with Cal in the staffroom. Oblivious, he made small talk about his holiday. Lily gritted her teeth but tried to retain a neutral expression. But when he started talking at length about how he felt so much better about everything, having taken a step back, she couldn't restrain herself any longer.

"Well it's good to hear that someone around here has been having a nice time," she said icily.

"Not you as well? Ethan's been off with me as well, all day, I'd love to be enlightened with what's going on."

I'm sure you would, Lily thought. "Unfortunately for you, I've got better things to do."

"Come on Lils, I thought we were friends!" Lily froze: she hated being patronised like that, by Cal in particular. "I'd expect Nibbles to give me a hard time but not you! I haven't done-"

Picking her battle, Lily exploded. "Will you stop calling him that? You have no respect for your brother and frankly it's disgusting! What's worse is that you have no idea how much you've destroyed the last four months for him, because you're too selfish to notice anything but yourself. As long as everything's fine for Cal, who cares whether Ethan's even coping? It sure as hell isn't you!" She was fuming, and even Cal looked surprised that she could vent anger like that. It didn't distract him from countering her argument.

"It's so much easier to push everything to one side and carry on. I wasn't being egotistical or self-centred or whatever else you want to accuse me of!"

"Easier for you!" Lily almost screamed across the room, taking Cal aback. "You found it easier to ignore your situation but that does not give you the right to make Ethan think he can't even talk about your mother. People deal with grief differently Cal, it's high time you learned to appreciate that." She paused, marching angrily across the room to pick up her book, and Ethan's which he had left behind.

"What I don't understand, Lily, is why you're so bothered all of a sudden. Don't tell me Nibbles has got himself a girlfriend while I've been away?" he mocked, clearly not expecting it to be true. At that moment, something in Lily snapped. She couldn't help herself, in a fit of rage she strode over to Cal and slapped him hard across the face. She had no idea that the door had just opened. Ethan stood aghast, his mouth hanging open, Connie's on the other hand was pressed into a thin line of sheer anger, mixed with a certain degree of complete disbelief.

"Lily, what on earth-" Ethan began, before Connie cut across him.

"Dr Chao, my office. Now." Still angry but with tears threatening at the corners of her eyes, Lily left the room, almost at a run, pressing Ethan's book to his chest as she passed.


	9. Chapter 9

Stunned silence reigned in the staffroom.

"Dr Knight I suggest you make sure your side of the story is as straight as it can be," Connie said shortly, before confidently striding from the room. Cal stared at the floor.

"How much could you hear out there?" he asked tensely, his left cheek glowing with an outline of Lily's hand clearly visible.

"People stopped what they were doing to wonder why Dr Chao had suddenly lost it, does that answer your question?" Of course Ethan was impressed that Lily cared enough to defend him like that, but now everyone knew how badly he was coping, and his girlfriend could lose her job.

"Oh come on Nibbles, she just went off on one at me!"

"I take it you didn't actually listen to anything she just said? You don't give me any respect – I'm not just a little boy you can push around any more! And in case you're wondering, yes we're together, which is why she knew exactly how hard things have been for me. Because of you, she's facing a disciplinary hearing for sticking up for me, which is more than you've ever done." Ethan spoke with such conviction that Cal didn't dare follow him when he left the room.

Meanwhile in Connie's office, Lily was pacing tensely, having pulled the blinds tightly closed. She picked at the skin around her left index fingernail, frustrated that she could have let her feeling get so in the way of being professional. She sat down dejectedly in the chair in front of Connie's desk, wiping a tear from her eye impatiently. Perhaps fate was getting in the way of her avoiding the five year plan. Putting Ethan aside for one moment, she loved her job and couldn't bear the idea of having to leave. How could she have allowed herself to lash out like that? She'd put her reputation and her whole career at stake for the sake of putting Cal in his place. On reflection, he wasn't even worth it.

Connie entered the room and put a momentary stop to Lily's racing thoughts.

"What in God's name were you thinking?" she said, her every syllable shaking in anger. Lily stared at the tiled floor of the office, wishing two things. One, that she could go back and repeat the last five minutes of her life. Two, that she was anywhere else but here. "There isn't a circumstance in the world that would mitigate what you have just done. We are meant to be professional doctors, remind me exactly which part of your job description read 'I have the right to bring the reputation of the hospital into disrepute'. I hope that at the very least you have a rock solid reason." Lily remained silent, trying to contain all of her thoughts and spin them into a believable account. "I'm waiting, Dr Chao. Explain yourself." Slowly, Lily began to explain it all, starting with the night she had spent at Ethan's house and the conversation they had shared over breakfast the next morning. As she spoke, Connie's expression changed from one of fury to one that, if Lily wasn't mistaken, was etched with concern.

"I want you to tell me one thing," she said. "Were your allegations against Dr Knight, in the region of his treatment of Dr Hardy, completely truthful? Is there any possibility that in your anger you exaggerated the facts to meet your ends?" Lily considered the events of the last ten minutes, then further back to the night shift when Ethan had needed her help. She shook her head. "Lily, this is very important." She nodded to show she was listening. "Is there any way that your feelings towards Dr Hardy may have impaired your judgement of this situation?" Lily's cheeks burned, it seemed Zoe may have been economical with the truth when she said their relationship wasn't common knowledge. Although nothing got past Connie, there would have to have been whispers for her to know anything.

"I understand how this must look, but I'd be equally as appalled by how Dr Knight has treated his brother recently, even if we weren't-" Lily took a deep breath. "Even if we weren't in a relationship. Please understand Mrs Beauchamp, Ethan was my friend first and I'd defend him just the same if all this had come out six weeks ago."

"I believe you Lily." Lily let out a deep sigh of relief. "But it doesn't excuse your actions. Nothing gives you the right to assault a colleague, regardless of your intentions. If Dr Knight decides to take this to a hearing, there's nothing I can do to stop him."

Lily bowed her head, wishing there was something they could do about Cal's atrocious treatment of his brother. If Ethan was just another colleague, he could lodge a complaint for old-fashioned bullying. Although there was nothing stopping him doing just that, both doctors knew he'd never do it.

Connie changed the subject abruptly. "If you feel you're calm enough to maintain a civil tongue and return to work, then you should go back out there. I'm not demanding you apologise to Dr Knight. I know you well enough by now to know that would be a terrible idea. If you're going to speak to him it will be when you;re shifts are over. I'll separate you on any new cases for our convenience more than anything else. If it comes to a hearing," Lily looked up sharply. "You have my full backing, despite your behaviour."

"Thank you, Mrs Beauchamp," Lily said, not quite believing what she was hearing.

"I would very much appreciate it if you kept this quiet," Connie said uneasily. "I don't want Guy Self berating me for advocating violence, or Dr Knight breaking down my door for favouritism in the department."

"Of course, this can stay between us. Thank you again."


	10. Chapter 10

Cal appeared to have forgiven Lily, or at the very least swallowed a whole load of humble pie. Neither Ethan or Lily received an apology, but then, they hadn't expected one. But he was noticeably kinder to Ethan, which pleased Lily no end, although what provided her with more relief was the fact there would be no disciplinary action taken against her. Either he had realised he somewhat deserved Lily's ticking off, or Ethan had persuaded him he had better things to do. Personally, Lily strongly suspected that her boyfriend had had a strong influence of the final outcome.

She woke up early on the morning of her birthday; despite the fact she wasn't due in work until nine, when the sun streamed through her curtains at six thirty she couldn't help feeling wide awake. It was a beautiful morning too, white clouds skimming the skyline and the sky a bright blue despite the time. Not wanting to waste the day, she took her book into the lounge, where the large windows let in far more of the sun, and a light breeze when Lily opened them wide. She made a cup of tea and curled up on the sofa to finish the last few chapters of her book. At half past seven, the post fell onto the mat behind the front door. She smiled, she was glad of having a neighbour who worked a night shift. He often pushed her post through the door on the way to his own apartment. A small pile of envelopes sat behind the door. At least half were white and marked in such a way that they could only be bills or bank statements. The others were brightly coloured, obviously birthday cards.

Two from university friends, one form her parents (written by her mother seeing as her father couldn't be trusted to remember when things needed posting to arrive on time) with a reminder that she'd be seeing them at the weekend. As if she'd forget. Unlike her father, Lily was meticulously organised – this Saturday night was neatly marked on her calendar, and had been for weeks. Another card was from her aunt, an extremely caring unmarried woman whom Lily had always seen as a second mother when she was growing up. She always made up for how little her parents congratulated her achievements, and sent a fifty pound gift card in the envelope with her birthday card.

At eight o'clock, Lily heard a car pull up on the pavement outside. Odd, she thought, until she noticed the driver was Ethan. Lily almost flew down the two flights of stairs to let him in, only just remembering her keys in her haste.

"Surprise!" he said as she opened the door. She hugged him, carefully, as he was carrying-

"You brought me presents!" she said excitedly.

"Of course, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't? Happy birthday Lily."

She led him upstairs to her flat, glad that she was a tidy person and didn't have to worry about unexpected visitors. They sat on the sofa and Ethan started passing Lily her presents. The card was written so neatly she did a double take.

"Did you write this? Your handwriting is incredible!"

"I've never quite fitted the doctor's scrawl stereotype, I'm afraid. At least people can read my prescriptions!"

"How did you know I was about to finish my book?" she said as she unwrapped her present, a special edition of To Kill a Mockingbird.

"A lucky guess, plus you've barely put it down this last week so I could see you were nearly done. How close was I exactly?"

"Six pages, well done you!" She leant against him happily as she flipped the book over in her hands to read the back.

"I almost wore my copy out at university, it's just a beautiful book. I was praying you hadn't already read it – I take it you haven't?" Lily looked up and kissed him swiftly on the lips by way of an answer. "Oh, and I brought breakfast too, hoping you hadn't eaten already." She peeked into the brown paper bag, it held two almond pastries.

"You're spoiling me something rotten, you know that? Do you want to come over here after work? We could watch a film and order pizza – I mean if you want to."

"That sounds brilliant," Ethan said, hugging Lily before pulling his pastry from the bag and biting it, dropping flakes of pastry down his suit jacket. Lily laughed, taking hers and making a similar mess.

Before changing into her scrubs at work, Lily found another card tucked into the vent of her locker. It was from Zoe, written in her loose and friendly-looking handwriting. She thought she'd gotten away with nobody knowing it was her birthday, until late in the afternoon, when Ethan crept up behind her in triage with a bouquet of flowers.

"This was not part of the deal!" she laughed, squeezing his hand affectionately. "They're beautiful."

"Like you then," Ethan whispered, leaning into her ear so only she would hear. Managing to wrestle her blush under control, she smiled.

"Will you stop being so good with words? You're making me look like a terrible girlfriend!"

She let Ethan choose the film later on. Unintentionally, she dozed off whilst snuggled against him. Ethan couldn't help himself noticing that she involuntarily tensed in pain every so often. But by the end of the film it had slipped from his mind, so he didn't mention it when she woke up, embarrassed that she'd given him another opportunity to stare at her sleeping form.

"I'm sorry, I've just been so tired lately. I didn't even get to see the rest of the film, damn!"

"Don't worry, its getting late and you've had a busy day," he said, putting her at ease. "I'll see you tomorrow." He kissed her forehead lightly before allowing himself to be shown out. Standing on the doormat, he smiled and confidently kissed her lips, feeling butterflies and fireworks and every cliché he'd ever heard about falling in love.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thank you for all your reviews, they never cease to make me smile! To all of you who guessed that something might be going amiss with Lily, you'd be absolutely right. However, you'll have to wait a few more chapters to find out exactly what's going on!**

Looking across the ED, Ethan could see his girlfriend leaving a cubicle and pulling the curtain closed behind her. There was a crease between her eyebrows, but something told him it wasn't her usual expression of concentration. He had a niggling feeling of concern, although he thought that mentioning it outright wouldn't go down to well with Lily. He sighed with relief when she made eye contact with him and headed across the department. She looked pale, but only when he looked closely, so he decided it would be best to put his mind at ease. He led Lily away from listening ears at reception.

"Don't bite my head off, but you honestly look awful," he said carefully.

"I wouldn't dream of it," she said, slipping her hand into his. "And I know, but I had hoped I was managing to hide it better than this."  
"You are, don't worry. I only noticed because I was looking." Realising that he sounded very weird, Ethan stared at the ground, while Lily laughed at him.

"Because that didn't sound stalker-ish at all! I've been a bit off all morning, but I'll be okay." She had no desire whatsoever to describe the waves of intense stomach cramps she'd been experiencing. Ethan may well have been an impartial doctor, but now he was her boyfriend first so she didn't want to start describing her symptoms.

"Sure?" Ethan didn't think Lily quite met his eye when she nodded. She just wanted to finish the shift, by counting the hours until she could take another dose of painkillers. They barely took the edge off the pain but keeping an eye on the time was something of a distraction for Lily's organised mind – she thrived on keeping things in order, so counting was just another way of clearing her mind and keeping focused. She was swooping around the ED, keeping herself as busy as possible. Ethan was convinced there was more to it, but appreciated Lily's need to stay quiet. They didn't have more time to chat: Dixie and Jeff burst through the doors, almost at a run, pushing a woman on a stretcher.

"This is Betty Cook, 87 years old. She took a tumble in her sheltered accommodation, KO'd at the scene but we arrived shortly afterwards. Heavy bruising across her body, queried fracture of left wrist," Jeff recited as Ethan froze. "BP very low, resps low, sats 95%. She's had breathing difficulties since we set off, GCS of 6. You all right buddy?" he said, glancing up at Ethan, who gripped the sides of the bed so hard his knuckles were white. Lily shot him a sideways look, sensing his discomfort. He was panicking, as since the afternoon with Hilda James, Zoe had done a spectacular job of putting other doctors in his place on cases with elderly patients. Whilst he was grateful for being spared any embarrassment, he hadn't yet been eased back in so hadn't treated anyone over sixty for some time. His theoretical knowledge was still exceptional, equally it wasn't that he was out of practice (he'd spent plenty of time treating patients of every other age.) His confidence had taken a massive blow and he was afraid of doing a bad job. It suddenly clicked into place for Lily.

"Not a problem, thank you Jeff, Dixie," she said. "We're okay." When the two paramedics had gone, she started basic checks but kept her attention on Ethan. "If you don't think you're ready, I won't have a go, just go and swap with someone."

"There's no-one to swap with," Ethan said, sighing. "Zoe's out with the trauma team, Dylan's busy in cubicles." He refused to consider his brother.

"What about Mrs Beauchamp?" Lily asked, inspecting Betty's airway.

"In a meeting with Mr Self. I'll do it, and I'll do my utmost to do it well." Anticipating Lily's response, he went on. "I promise if I think I'm putting Mrs Cook in any danger I'll go and find Cal. I'm determined that that will not be necessary." Lily nodded.

"Okay, but drop back and let me take control."

To Lily's surprise, Ethan took a very short time to dust off his original fear and dissolve back into the competent young doctor she'd fallen in love with for his quiet confidence. His thirst to prove himself cause him to push any memories of his mother aside, and come to an accurate diagnosis far faster than he had done for other patients in recent weeks. In fact, after fifteen minutes in resus Lily allowed herself to discreetly fall back, letting Ethan smoothly and automatically take the reins. Connie stepped into resus after her meeting and caught Lily's eye straight away. Ethan had fallen back into his stride easily and didn't notice Connie observing him, until Max arrived to wheel Betty to a ward and Connie cleared her throat.

"Oh! Sorry, Mrs Beauchamp, I didn't see you come in," he stammered. "I should have let you check on the patients while she was here, I'm sorry," he apologised again, but Connie cut in to stop his nervous chatter.

"You should have done no such thing. Congratulations Dr Hardy, that was excellent work, I'm glad to see you back on fine form," she said, flashing him a rare smile.

"Thank you very much. But wait, you knew... about all that?" Ethan shuffled on his feet, embarrassed.

"As Clinical Lead, I have a duty of care to my staff, especially to my junior doctors. I should have made more of an effort after your loss, to ensure something like this did not happen. For that I would like to sincerely apologise." She paused as though wondering whether it would be acceptable to speak her mind. She tucked a strand of hair back behind her ear. "If it's not too... if it's all right for me to say, I think your mother would be extremely proud to see you now. The way you've come back from this is admirable, and I know I'm proud to have a doctor such as yourself on my team." Ethan sniffed and rubbed his eyes quickly. "If you'll both excuse me," she said, before leaving the room with an elegant flick of her thick, dark hair. There was a slight pink tinge in her cheeks. Ethan turned to look at Lily.

"What on earth just happened?" he said, smiling though there were tears on his cheeks.

"I think we just experienced some of Mrs Beauchamp's compassion, that we heard rumours of from cardiothoracics! Don't complain, you might never see that again," she said, pulling him in a hug to shield his tears from Zoe, who had come into resus with a new patient. She nodded discretely when Zoe mouthed 'Everything okay?" in their direction.


	12. Chapter 12

Over the next few days Lily found it gradually harder to ignore the now extremely painful stomach cramps. Harder still was her effort to keep attributing it to the time of the month: although she was nearly due she'd never experienced anything like this. She kept telling herself it was just a result of working hard and kept her almost constant discomfort a secret from her colleagues. Or so she had thought. Ethan observed an obvious difference in the junior doctor. Her patience with the other staff members was noticeably lacking and she'd become unbearably short-tempered, although she never once snapped at a patient. He'd long since worked out she was trying to impress him with her bedside manner, so he made an effort to complement her regularly. Out of the sight of patients, it wasn't just Ethan who had noticed the way she flinched in pain when she leant over, or visibly winced when he put his arm around her waist.

Lily found it somewhat easier to tell people she was fine when the ED was busy and there was no-one to take her place. But nothing escaped Zoe's eagle eyes, and it didn't take long for her to take action.

"Connie, I need a word," she said as the clinical lead stepped out of resus.

"Can it wait? There are patients in cubicles who need my attention," Connie said shortly.

"In a word, no. It'll only take a few minutes and it's important, so come on." Connie was at first a little taken aback by Zoe's tone, but something about it made her question her initial intention to pull her up for being disrespectful.

Zoe almost missed the instant quiet that fell over the clinical lead's office once the door was pressed shut. But being the clinical lead had never been her cup of tea, and it made her far happier these days to treat patients without a title holding her back.

"It's Lily. You need to make sure she isn't called into resus until further notice," Zoe said, cutting straight to the point, as was usually best with Connie – whose expression told Zoe all too clearly what she thought of this proposition. "Connie, there's something wrong with her, haven't you noticed? She is not fit to be treating patients in resus!" Zoe exclaimed.

"Be that as it may -"

"No, Connie, I'm sorry but you're wrong. You know as well as I do, this department will have far more problems if we lose a patient as a result of Lily's affected performance, than if we all just have to pick up the slack a little bit. We can function with one less doctor. For God's sake we've dealt with worse!" The two consultants fell silent, both engrossed in their own thoughts. Connie frowned, reminded of the crash which had put several of their staff out of action, including herself for a short period. Zoe slipped deep into thought about the fire that had devastated the ED almost killing Dylan and herself.

"All right," Connie finally conceded, knowing she couldn't win the dispute. "I'll do my best, thank goodness we don't have to worry about Ethan so much now. Are you going to inform Lily of our decision?"

"Not unless she asks, I don't think she'll be in favour, you know what she's like."

For the next week, Lily only ended up in resus once, and even then only to assist and never to lead. Luckily for Zoe she didn't question it, on the contrary she was almost grateful for a break. In comparison to the dynamic, high-energy environment of resus, triage was child's play.

"Be careful!" a young mother said sharply, as Lily gently lifted her son's arm and he cried out in pain.

"I'm sorry, I'm being as gentle as I can be. We're looking at an all but certain fracture; I'm waiting on a porter to take you down to X-ray." At that moment, Max came through the curtain, automatically switching on his charm.

"I'm terribly sorry young man, there's going to be a little wait, so I thought this might be of use to you." He dropped a pad of paper on the bed and produced a few felt pens from his pocket. Lily smiled appreciatively to him, before turning back to the boy and his mother.

"Seeing as you'll be waiting a little longer, I can top up your pain relief to make you more -" She suddenly took a sharp breath in and nearly doubled over in pain. Max wheeled around, having been about to leave.

"Lily! are you okay?" he asked worriedly.

"I – er – yes, um, would you mind bringing Dr Hanna please?"she said, trying to steady her voice but more preoccupied with steadying herself by gripping the side of the bed.

Less than a minute later he returned at a run, Zoe hot on his heels. Intuitively she placed one hand softly on Lily's lower back and used the other to steady her and lead her into the next cubicle, which was luckily empty.

"What happened?" she said, scanning the young doctor for any visual clues. None.

"I've just been having really bad cramps lately." She stopped to sit on the bed and hold the edge of the mattress tightly. "I'm due," she said, blushing.

"Lily, you're a doctor, of all people you shouldn't be ashamed of that. Has this happened before?"

"No," Lily said truthfully. "Never like this. And now I've humiliated myself in front of a patient to top it all off!"

"Don't worry about the patient, I can cover for you and sort him out, no problem. My office is open – in the second drawer down, on the left of the desk, there's a hot water bottle. Go to the on-call room and use it."

Lily was extremely grateful that Zoe was so understanding. Slipping into the on-call room unseen by the other ED staff members, she filled the hot water bottle and curled up on the bed, waiting for the pain to subside. Her thoughts wandered to how on earth she would explain herself, Zoe was sure to ask a lot of questions, or request to give her a check-up. Her shyness made her prickle with self-consciousness just thinking about it.

When Zoe came looking for her a short time later, the pain had completely subsided so Lily found it easy to brush it off as nothing. Zoe was worried, but she was also in a rush, so had to accept Lily's stammering explanation without further explanation.


	13. Chapter 13

Ethan was distracted. Paired with Dylan in resus he was meant to be focused solely on the training exercise at hand, but he kept anxiously glancing up to where he could see Lily leaning against the wall outside resus. He watched her drop two dissolving pills into a plastic cup of water and grimace at the foul taste as she drained the cup. Crumpling the cup into the bin, Lily bit her lip. It wasn't just stomach cramps anymore: she was nauseous and slightly dizzy too.

Ethan stood up straight, suddenly snapping to attention as Dylan cleared his throat and clicked his fingers in front of Ethan's face.

"I'm sorry, I though we were in the middle of a training exercise, which, by definition, requires as much attention as an actual patient. Am I missing something here?" The tops of Ethan's ears turned pink with the criticism.

"No, not at all, Dr Keogh," he mumbled.

"If you keep looking up like that, you're going to get whiplash," he said. Ethan's cheeks flushed crimson. "If this was a real patient, they'd likely be in respiratory arrest by now, so let's go on from there shall we?" Stuttering over his words, Ethan recited the steps as he carried them out. As usual, he made no mistakes: any other consultant would have offered some kind of praise. Dylan, on the other hand, asked gruffly if Ethan wouldn't mind concentrating from the start next time. Ethan nodded, not making eye contact, but he realised later that Dylan's comment was probably the closest to a complement as he was ever going to get.

Slowly but surely, Lily was moving patients through triage. Connie passed by a cubicle where Lily was working and almost made a snide comment about how long it was taking her to do routine checks. She had to bite her tongue though, Lily was evidently doing her best, considering she looked pale and drawn out.

"Dr Chao, a word in my office please, when you have a spare moment," she said, much more gently than she would have done usually. Lily sighed, wishing she was brave enough and indeed well enough to pretend nothing was wrong. She headed to Connie's office slowly, her heart beating hard in her chest and her hands almost shaking with nerves. She knew she wouldn't be able to lie to Connie's face if she asked directly. Tentatively, she knocked at the door, and entered the Clinical Lead's office, a room in which everything was so meticulously organised it managed to instil calm and fear into all who entered.

"Lily, I want you to tell me truth, are you fit to be in work?" Connie asked earnestly. Lily nodded without meeting Connie's piercing gaze. "Lily, I -" But at that moment, Cal burst into the office. "Don't you ever knock?" she said angrily.

"Sorry Mrs Beauchamp, there's a serious burns victim in resus and we need you out there."

Connie pressed her lips together, inhaled through her nose and stared at the ceiling for a second to compose herself. "I'm coming," she said at last. "Will you be okay?" she asked Lily, who seized her chance, knowing that Connie didn't have time to question her further. Bravely meeting Connie's brown eyes, she lied through her teeth.

"I promise I'm fit to work Mrs Beauchamp. I'm fine." She stood up and followed Connie from the office.

Lily was filling a plastic cup with water from the cooler when she became aware of feeling very sick. She concentrated on the water trickling into the cup, willing it to hurry up. She sipped a little of the water. Feeling her stomach cramp and lurch painfully, she set off, almost at a run, for the female staff toilets. She had hoped to have gone unnoticed, but she hadn't counted on crashing into Charlie as she hurried round a corner.

"Hey, what's the matter?" he said, looking at her ashen face. She ignored him and nearly fell into the toilets' door. Charlie stood outside and heard the unmistakeable sound of retching. Trying to preserve as much of Lily's dignity as he could, he waited for the sound to stop before ignoring the outline of a woman on the door and entering the room.

Lily was sitting against the cool tiled wall, breathing deeply. When she realised it was Charlie who had followed her in, she tried to stand up immediately. He rushed over to stop her.

"Not so fast, just stay there for a minute, okay?" he said, calmly and authoritatively.

"Charlie, this is the ladies' bathroom. Get out, get out!" Lily protested, her blushed covering how pale her cheeks had been.

"It doesn't matter what it says on the door if someone in here needs medical attention." Lily slowly got up and began rinsing her face with cold water to prove a point.

"Well I don't, so thank you for your concern, really, but I'm fine. I just – I just needed to be sick," she said, wishing it was harder for her to push people away. She knew Charlie meant well, he cared, and if she was being totally heartless she could say he was just doing his job. Part of her wanted to tell him exactly how ill she felt, and had felt for ages. But the stronger part of her kept pushing out lies, or worse keeping her lips tightly closed when she had a chance to call out for help. Her shyness stopped her saying anything at all, while her stubbornness told her this was a good thing; that she was needed in the department no matter what.

"I hope you're not planning on driving home, after the painkillers you've taken today," Dylan said sarcastically when he saw Lily out in the ED later on.

"No, you'll be glad to hear I have a lift home," Lily said. Unusually, she didn't react to his tone. Normally she found it immensely irritating and has no qualms about telling him so. Dylan noticed her lack of response and watched her back as she walked away, one eyebrow raised quizzically.

Quite by chance, Lily and Ethan were alone in the staffroom when Connie rushed in, looking somehow flustered and completely in control at the same time. She had slipped her cold hand into his warm one, making him jump in shock.

"Are you feeling better then?" he asked, knowing Lily hadn't felt in the lest bit romantic whilst she'd been feeling ill. In truth, she was trying harder to disguise herself, in the hope that Ethan wouldn't worry too much.

"Yes," she said breezily. Or at least that's how she hoped that's how it had come out.

"Lily, please, don't lie to me," he said desperately. "We can all see there's something wrong." Lily knew her time in hiding was short, nonetheless she stared at the floor, pushing back tears and feeling her cheeks glow with embarrassment. She didn't have the energy to fight her blushes.

"Lily, look at me," Ethan said. Reluctantly she looked into his eyes and could see exactly how much he was hurting. "Please, just let me in, I could help you if I knew what was hurting you." He was holding both of her hands now and his expression made Lily's heart break. She was about to crumble when Connie came in. Lily dropped his hands at once and automatically they reverted to standing at least a foot apart.

"I need two doctors for the trauma team. Everyone else is currently tied up, so you're up. It's a collapsed building, still unstable, with casualties inside and out, plus walking wounded," she said briskly. "Ready?" Ethan looked like he was about to protest when Lily quickly accepted the task and left the room to change, followed by Connie who needed to prepare resus for the incoming patients. Alone in the room, Ethan sighed in exasperation, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Why won't she let me in?" he said to them empty room.


	14. Chapter 14

Not surprisingly, it was a scene of utter chaos which greeted Lily and Ethan as they arrived at the trauma site. A fireman strode over to brief them. He had dark hair flecked with grey, mostly covered by his helmet, and a moustache to match. He was of sturdy build, and carried himself with such confidence that people seemed to be waiting for his instructions before doing anything.

"No need to ask who you two are," he said, gesturing towards their emerald green, trauma doctor jumpsuits. "You've arrived just in time, I'll have to throw you into the thick of it." He pointed to where they could see Dixie and Jeff crouching by a gap in a wall. "Your lot from Holby are over there, we've got a casualty trapped over behind that wall, and her husband who won't leave without her. We don't know the extent of her injuries, but he has extensive injuries to his left leg and some pretty deep cuts. I'll leave you to do your job." Ethan thanked him and set off for Dixie and Jeff, closely followed by Lily.

Taking one look at the man, Lily put her foot down.

"Sir, you need to be in the ambulance, ready for transfer to hospital," she said firmly.

"But my wife -" he protested.

"I promise we will get her out as soon as we can. I'll make sure she gets the treatment she needs, I promise." Reluctantly, he allowed Ethan to treat his external injuries, and agreed to let Dixie and Jeff take him to the ambulance. Once they were out of earshot, Ethan rounded on Lily.

"You shouldn't be here," he said in exasperation. "Before Connie came in, you were seconds from telling me what was wrong. I know you Lily, at least I think I do, and I know something is wrong. You're not helping yourself by staying quiet!"

"Look at that gap in the wall Ethan. There's a woman in there who needs a doctor, now, and you're too tall to get to her. It has to be me! So please stop fussing, I need to get in there to get her out."  
"Fine," Ethan eventually conceded. "If you start feeling any different to how you are now, you need to get out of there. And if they blow that whistle to say it's not safe, don't be a hero. Come out."

Lily looked into her boyfriend's face, smeared with dirt and layered with concern.

"You say that like I've never been on a trauma team before," she said gently. Ethan put his hand on Lily's cheek, knowing he had to admit defeat. "Trust me, please?" Ethan knew she could do nothing to dissuade her and gestured for her to crawl through the gap in the wall. Pushing her medical kit in after her, he watched he start to unpack things.

"I love you," he said quietly.

"I love you too. And I need you to radio the ED, we need a cardiothoracic surgeon ready to deal with severe crush injuries to her chest."

Lily started working on the woman's visible wounds and giving her pain relief, while trying to get her to regain some consciousness. She opened her eyes sluggishly.

"Hi there," Lily said. "My name's Dr Chao, can you tell me where you are?" The woman shook her head before Lily quickly stopped her. "Just try to keep your head as still as possible, I haven't ruled out any neck or spinal injuries yet. Can you tell me your name?"

"Annie," the woman said, before closing her eyes again.

"Ethan, are you there?" Lily called loudly.

"Of course, what can I do to help?"

"Okay, this is Annie, and we need -" Lily stopped to cry out in pain. She was in complete agony, pain radiating out from the bottom of her stomach.

"LILY!" Ethan shouted. "Lily, please talk to me, what's wrong?"

"I -" she gasped. "I can't – move."

"What happened, has something fallen on you?" Ethan was panicking, he knew he shouldn't have let Lily come out, he should have said something to Connie to stop her letting Lily onto the trauma team. Guilt was eating him up, tears welling in his eyes.

"No, nothing's – nothing's fallen." She stopped and Ethan could hear her crying softly. Lily wished she'd said something before, told anyone what was going on. Now there was nothing she could do, she'd put herself and her patient in real danger. Her sobs pulled Ethan back to being a doctor. He rubbed the tears roughly from his eyes, before listening intently to her weakening words.

"Ethan, it hurts!" she cried.

"What hurts? Please, Lily, stay with me!" He tried to piece together all the clues, trying desperately to work out what was wrong. No response came from Lily, he could only hear crying now, punctuated by gasps of pain. He wished he was in there instead of her.

Suddenly he heard a sound that made his blood run cold. A shrill whistle, the signal for all emergency staff to evacuate. Lily heard it too, and panicked, despite fighting to remain conscious.

"Ethan!" she screamed.

"I'm here," he said, as the fireman from earlier ran up to him.

"You need to get out of here, can't you hear the whistle?"

"My colleague, she needs help, I don't know what's wrong but she's barely conscious."  
"Look, if you don't move sharpish, she won't be the only one needing medical attention. The roof's coming down mate." Ethan heard Lily's sobs intensify, as the fireman tried to pull him away.

"Lily, cover your head, I promise I'll come back for you!" he shouted as the fireman finally got his way and pulled Ethan from the building at a run.

Out on the street, they could hear more of the ceiling and part of the roof fall in. Ethan saw Dixie and Jeff's ambulance drive away: their patient's condition had obviously worsened considerably. He sat on the pavement with his head in his hands, his knees drawn up to his chest, not able to stop himself crying anymore.


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry for the delay in uploading, I ran out of prewritten chapters a few days ago and I stopped keeping up with my rhythm of writing, editing and uploading in a day. It probably doesn't help matters that I like to write things longhand first, but that's just me!**

 **This is quite a long chapter, I think my longest so far, but there didn't seem any decent place to split it, and you probably would have hated me for leaving you in the dark for another day or so. I hope you enjoy, please review as I love to know what you think!**

The thought of Lily lying in the rubble of the destroyed building, needing some serious medical attention, was enough to bring Ethan to his senses. He pulled his phone from the inside pocket of his jumpsuit, his hands shaking. After four attempts, he eventually managed to dial a number he prayed wasn't busy. He waited, hardly daring to breathe.

"Hi, you've reached Zoe Hanna. Unfortunately I can't get to the phone right now, please leave a message or try again." Ethan sighed in frustration and tried again, only to be greeted by the same chirpy answer-phone message.

"Oh come on Zoe!" he said loudly, rubbing his right shoulder with his left hand. Suddenly, he remembered there was a number in his phone he'd thought he would never need.

"Hello, Mrs Beauchamp speaking," Connie said, calm and measured. Ethan could have cried with relief.

"Mrs Beauchamp, it's Ethan and I don't know what to do. It's Lily, there's something wrong with her and I don't know what it is, she wouldn't tell me anything, and the roof came in on her. She was in the middle of treating a patient, but now she's trapped, and -"

"Ethan, stop!" Connie said, suppressing her own panic expertly.

"I need another trauma doctor here now, Lily needs help," he said, trying to remain calm and not shout.

"I'll send someone over as soon as I can. You're not hurt yourself are you?" she said, whilst motioning for Dylan to come in. Conveniently he was passing the office and caught Connie's eye. She told him to drop everything and get ready to leave, while she listened to Ethan cough a little from the dust.

"No, no, I'm fine, please just get someone here quickly."

"I will, I promise. Try and remain calm, I'll see you shortly I hope," she said before ending the call.

Dylan, standing in the office, raised his eyebrows and put his hands on his hips. Connie suddenly lost her temper.

"Dr Keogh, you are currently the only doctor in this department who is able to drop what they're doing. So get ready to go, because Dr Chao is trapped and it appears that her recent issues have come to a head." Dylan's face dropped when he heard Lily was in danger.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I'll go as quickly as I can." Although he couldn't say, by any stretch, that he and Lily were friends, he respected her as an extremely competent member of the team. So yes, although he'd never admit it, he did care and would hate for anything to happen to her.

At the trauma site, fire crews were battling to extract Lily and her patient from the rubble of the building. They pulled Anna out first, and the paramedic team from St James' took her to one side immediately. She had no pulse.

As Dylan arrived on the scene, Ethan heard the triumphant sounds which meant the paramedics had brought Anna back.

"Ethan, what's happening?" Dylan said, finally getting his name right, first time. "And I'd like the facts, not the story, if you can," he added, with none of his usual sarcasm. Ethan recalled everything he knew of the day's events, trying hard to be factual rather than emotional, something he found difficult when he kept imagining Lily, alone and in pain under a pile of rubble. Then, the fire crew emerged from the building, carrying a stretcher with a petite Asian woman in an emerald green jumpsuit.

"Lily!" Ethan cried, rubbing tears from his eyes as he and Dylan rushed over to her. He started a few basic checks but Dylan put his hand over Ethan's to stop him.

"Ethan, not this time, okay. I know you care about her a lot, so I know you wouldn't want your feelings to cause any mistakes on your part." He took over, leaving Ethan to kneel at Lily's side, holding one of her hands with both of his, stroking it with his thumbs. "Lily, can you hear me? It's Dylan, you've been in an accident, can you remember where you are?" Lily was unresponsive and Dylan frowned. Turning to Ethan, he said, more to himself than anyone else, "I don't understand. She's sustained substantial injuries to her legs and chest. I don't doubt she's broken a few ribs. But there's nothing above her neck, why is she unconscious?"

Ethan pulled all the pieces of the puzzle together, at least, all the pieces that he had.

"She's been in pain, on and off, for weeks," he said at last. "She wouldn't tell me a thing but I guessed it's something to do with her stomach. Charlie caught me this morning and said he'd found her vomiting, but she refused to say anything to him either." Ethan paused, recounting her screams in the moments before the whistle was blown. "Before the roof came in, I tried to stop her going in there, but she was adamant she could treat the patient and get her out. She wouldn't be told. She suddenly stopped and there was this truly awful scream of pain. She couldn't even tell me what was wrong, before..." And then he broke down again, thinking that surely there was something he could have done to stop this happening.

Dylan had a hunch, but her knew he would have to be quick. And there was an unpleasant question he would have to ask Ethan first.

"This is as uncomfortable for you as it is for me, believe me, but you know that I have to ask. Is there any chance Lily could be pregnant?" Ethan almost jumped out his skin, his ears turning deep pink.

"None at all, I can assure you," he said, embarrassed.

"Right, that's good. I think – no, there's no time. Lily, if you can hear me, I'm very sorry about this." Dylan took out a pair of scissors and cut away Lily's dirty and torn jumpsuit. Ethan watched as he examined her stomach, pressing gently until he stopped and quickly pulled his radio from his pocket.

"3006 this is Dylan Keogh at the collapsed building site. Get here now, Dr Lily Chao needs urgent transfer to the ED for surgery." They waited a few seconds before Jeff's voice crackled back to them.

"3006 received, we're on our way."

Dylan looked at the rest of Lily's injuries, now he could be sure they could get her to hospital. She was losing a lot of blood from her legs, they'd been badly crushed. He passed dressing pads to Ethan and they both pressed them to the visible wounds. When he had dressed the cuts as best he could, he started administering strong painkillers: if his hunch was right, Lily wouldn't want to wake up without any.

"Dylan, what's going on? I should have been able to spot something, I'm a doctor for God's sake, what did I miss?"

"Don't beat yourself up, it won't help. I don't even know how she was still standing today, I'm almost sure it's appendicitis, and advanced at that. She will have been in serious pain for weeks, if I'm right."

"And she tried so hard to convince us all that nothing was wrong. How did she even keep going?" Ethan said, pressing down on the bandages with one hand while holding her hand with the other. He intertwined her fingers with his, trying desperately to ignore the feeling of blood seeping through the bandage onto his finger.

They both breathed a sigh of relief when they noticed Dixie and Jeff returning in the ambulance. Ethan dropped Lily's hand and ran over to meet them, tripping and falling in his haste. He swore as Jeff put out a hand to help him up.

"Hey, calm down buddy!" he joked, having never heard mild-mannered Ethan swear before. "You're going to need that looking at," he said, pointing out the deep graze along his right forearm.

"Look, not now, go and help Lily!" he said, making his way to the ambulance. Dixie passed him a pack of antiseptic wipes for his arm.

"You all right kid?" she asked softly. "I'll make sure someone dresses that properly when we get back."

"I'm fine, honestly, it's Lily we need to worry about. Please just make sure she gets back in one piece," he said, tears falling down his cheeks.

"It'll be okay, Ethan. You know Dylan will have guessed right, and you know the team back at the ED will do a fantastic job. It won't help her at all if she wakes up and you're in pieces though." She squeezed his shoulder comfortingly before pressing a few tissues into his hand. "Where are you going?" she called as he jumped from the back of the ambulance. He wanted to stay behind, there were plenty of other patients here who needed him to stay. No matter how much his heart told him to follow her into the ambulance, his head reasoned that he had to stay, his knowledge and medical kit were still needed.

"You're joking," Dylan said when Ethan broke this to him. "You're no use to any patient if you're thinking about her. And you will be, even though you say you won't." Although it pained him to say something so clichéd, he went on. "She needs you."

"Are you – are you being nice to me?" he said in disbelief.

"It's not totally beyond me. But don't make me do it again, it'll take at least an hour to get the taste out of my mouth." Ethan almost smiled.

"You should go too," an unfamiliar voice said. It was one of the paramedics from St James'. "We can handle it from here, half of these will be able to drive themselves home once we sort out some bandages. She's one of your own, you'll be kicking yourself if you stay." Dylan hardly thought this was true but he couldn't shake the feeling that maybe he should be going, and he didn't want to start an argument here. There was plenty of time for that back in the ED. He and Ethan sat in the back of the ambulance, Ethan on the verge of tears again and Dylan only hoping that he'd done enough.


	16. Chapter 16

Lily was rushed straight to resus on arrival at the ED. Although she desperately needed surgery to remove her appendix, if they couldn't stop her legs bleeding she wasn't going to get anywhere near the operating table. Ethan tried to follow her but Dylan held him back.

"It won't do you any good to be in there," he said quietly. "You need to get that arm seen to anyway."

"I'm fine," Ethan protested.

"Don't Ethan. You need that graze cleaning and covering. You know as well as I do that Connie will be far more amicable to letting you in if you've accepted treatment."

"I'll do it," Rita said, walking up to them. "Dylan, go and get some coffee or something. You're no use to them in there either, not yet."

She led Ethan into a cubicle and sat him on the bed. As she prepared a clean dressing and a bowl of antiseptic solution, she looked at him anxiously.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently. Ethan shook his head, staring into space. He was silent for a long time, gritting his teeth and not making a sound when she cleaned his arm and had to use tweezers to pull some small stones from his skin. She wrapped the wound in clean bandages and looked at his face. His eyes were rimmed with red while his cheeks were white. She sat on the bed next to him.

"Please don't beat yourself up Ethan," she said, putting an arm around his shoulder.

"Why not? I've spent so much time with her lately, Why couldn't I see anything? I could have spotted it, I should have stopped her going out on the trauma team. What kind of a doctor am I? What kind of a boyfriend must I be, if she didn't come to me and say something was wrong?" Rita pulled him into a hug, letting the sobs rack his body and allowing him to cry himself out.

"Ethan, look at me," she said firmly. "There is no-one to blame for this. We could all see something was wrong and none of us followed it up. She wouldn't go to anyone, it isn't just you. You know how shy she can be, she'd never outwardly ask for help. And you of all people must know how stubborn she can be when she sets her mind to something. I don't think even Mrs Beauchamp herself could have stopped her going out there today. Don't blame yourself, okay?" She hugged him again. "Is that dressing okay?" she asked to change the subject. Ethan just nodded, barely paying attention to his arm.

Dylan let himself into resus. It wasn't a particularly pretty sight. Zoe and Connie worked as on, not bickering or arguing at all for once. It seemed that for a common goal, working to save a member of their team, to put their differences aside was easy. He stood at the door, stunned.

"I need six units of blood, cross-matched ready for theatre," Zoe said to Tess, who rushed from the room looking shell-shocked. Charlie, standing by the bed awaiting further instructions, excused himself to speak to Dylan.

"I won't say 'Try not to worry' because I know it never works," he said understandingly. Dylan nodded slowly.

"How bad is it?" he said. "I – I want to tell Ethan... Before she goes to theatre."

"She's lucky you were there, and thought to check, let's put it that way," Charlie said gently. "But we know now that she's been suffering for a long time."

"How did she even manage it?"

"I have no idea. We're looking at a possibility of septicaemia now though, we've already started her on IV antibiotics just in case." Charlie paused. "I think you should get Ethan in here shortly. There's no guarantee that the surgeons will be able to save both of her legs now, not when her appendix is their absolute priority."

Ethan wanted nothing more than to be in resus at that moment. He knew Connie would never let him anywhere near Lily to treat her, but he wanted to hold her hand, even if she didn't know he was there. On the other hand, Rita wouldn't let him leave cubicles. She was worried he wouldn't keep his multiple promises not to interfere with Lily's treatment. They were both relieved when Dylan arrived with the news that Lily was stable enough to be transferred to theatre, so Ethan could have five minutes with her.

He couldn't be stopped from running to resus. He nearly flew into the room, just stopping short of knocking Zoe over as he rushed to the bed.

"Sorry," he said breathlessly.

'"Don't worry about it," she said. "She woke up a bit before, we explained everything that happened. She's ready for surgery now though, so be quick. I'll give you a moment."

Ethan pulled up a chair at Lily's side and looked at her. He wished he could say that she looked as peaceful as the other times he'd seen her asleep. There was a slight frown on her face. He used his thumbs to smooth the creases on her forehead, then stroked her hair affectionately. He kissed her temple, then stayed close to her ear, taking her hand in his.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, fighting the tears welling in the corners of his eyes. "Everyone says I'm not to blame but I can't help knowing I am. I knew you weren't well and I still let you go into that building. I can't even begin to tell you how bad I feel about letting you go, I should have done something to stop you. This shouldn't have happened to you, Lily, you didn't deserve this. I'm sorry." He lifted her warm hand to his cheek to feel her touch on his skin again. He put her hand back down on the bed, linking his fingers and hers. He suddenly felt Lily's fingers tighten around his. Her eyelids fluttered open sleepily. "Lily," he breathed. "Are you still in pain?"

"A little," she said groggily. "Thank God for morphine. What are they going to do to me?"

Zoe, who had been waiting anxiously outside resus, noticed Lily regaining some consciousness again. She came in at once, as Ethan explained what was happening and what the surgeons would do. The emotion in his voice made hers catch in her throat.

"Lily, we need to get you up to theatre now. I know this is all so sudden for you but you understand it's all for the best, don't you?" Lily nodded gently, then turned to Ethan, one hand on her sore stomach, her other hand still holding his.

"Wait. Ethan, I haven't finished the book yet." When he realised what she was getting at, he took a sharp breath in and choked on a sob.

"Don't you dare think like that Lily. You are going to get through this operation and come out of the other side, exactly the same beautiful doctor I fell in love with."

"And what if I don't? Ethan, I understand the complications, I've already lost a lot of blood and it's not as if I don't know what septicaemia means. Please just tell me what happens in the end. Just in case." There were tears falling from both of their eyes now, and Zoe rubbed under her left eye, knowing it wasn't her place to cry here. Ethan pressed a kiss to Lily's lips, hoping with every fibre of his body that he would get another chance. Reluctantly, he rolled his eyes, sniffing and pressing his lips together, before leaning down to whisper in her ear. She smiled weakly.

"We can go now Zoe," she said.

As Max wheeled Lily from resus, Connie gave her hand a quick squeeze. Dylan just nodded to her, looking embarrassed.


	17. Chapter 17

**This chapter has a bit of a reference to Holby City, so I apologise if you're not aware of characters from that show. Hopefully it won't detract from the chapter too much!**

The ED was eerily quiet. It was lucky that there were so few patients; all of the staff were waiting with baited breath for any news of Lily's surgery. It was as if a pause button had been pressed over the department, everyone seemed to be in a kind of daze. By no stretch of anyone's imagination was Lily a friend to them all, but she was a constant feature in all of their lives. Not having her there was like taking away a wall of the building. Everyone could feel her absence.

Connie relieved Dylan and Ethan from their shifts: they were both too fragile to be working. But she was punishing herself internally too, they weren't the only ones suffering. She had had a perfect opportunity, more than one if she thought back, to check Lily over and make sure she was okay. She shouldn't have listened when Lily adamantly denied feeling unwell. But there was one thing rolling around her mind, remaining at the forefront and echoing endlessly. Connie had personally sent Lily out on the trauma team. She had been fully aware that something was amiss, but her only concern had been for the department and not the staff who were its flesh and bones. Connie sank into the sofa in her office. The blinds were pulled shut and the door locked, so she could appreciate the silence when she sat with her head in her hands.

Dylan was wandering the hospital, unable to settle anywhere. Immersed in his thoughts, he mainly ignored people passing when they asked what was wrong. He stopped to say hello to Elliot Hope, who didn't try to stop him for a full conversation but merely sent his best wishes, not only to Lily but to all the staff of the ED.

"It can't be easy, waiting for the news on one of your own," he said.

"It isn't," Dylan replied simply. He wasn't concentrating on where he was going but eventually ended up in the Peace Garden at the back of the hospital.

"What brings you here?" Charlie said as Dylan took a seat on the bench next to him.

"I'm not even sure. I just didn't want to be in there," Dylan said, wringing his hands.

"I know. At least Connie let you out; she doesn't have a clue I'm here." Charlie was trying to lighten Dylan's mood a little: he was staring into space and was so obviously replaying the day's events in his mind.

"Last I saw, she'd locked herself in her office."

"We've all been affected by this, Dylan. Can't you see you aren't at fault? We all had a part to play, we all missed our chances. But you did everything you could, so don't go making out you're all powerful and you were the driving force behind this. For goodness' sake, I found her throwing up and I did nothing. Sometimes we have to accept that power lies elsewhere from ourselves." They were both silent for a while, simply appreciative of not being alone. After contemplating Charlie's musings, Dylan spoke.

"I've always wondered how you've done this for so long, you know, talking to people day in, day out, delivering news that they don't want to hear. You talk a lot of sense sometimes, I'll give you that," he said, before making his way back inside.

Max crept up behind Zoe in the staffroom and wrapped his arms around her waist, making her jump. He kissed the side of her neck and she smiled.

"Relax," he said. "There's no-one else here. And also relax because I could see you worrying about Lily from the other side of the door."

"Easy for you to say, you didn't miss a bunch of chances to intervene and put a stop to this."

"True," he admitted. "But I'm going to put a stop to this, you worrying yourself sick about something you can't control."

"What can I say, it's my hamartia," Zoe said, cracking a smile when she saw Max's bemused expression. "My fatal flaw, my kryptonite. The thing you love me most for?" she added hopefully.

"Not likely, he said, taking her by the hand and leading her out of the staffroom to buy her a cup of coffee.

Ethan held the door open for them on his way into the staffroom. He brewed a cup of tea and curled up on the sofa, glad of the solitude. Lily's copy of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' lay on the coffee table and Ethan felt a pang of regret for telling her the ending prematurely, despite it being what she had wanted. He picked up the book and began reading from the start, for maybe the fiftieth time. It could have been the first, there would have been no difference to the way he felt as he absorbed the words. Ethan was comforted by the familiarity of the words within these pages: he had so many memories attached to them. Being teased mercilessly in his English Literature class in high school for being the only one to enjoy the book they were 'forced' to read. Long, difficult days at university concluded with (and often punctuated by) long spells sitting out on the grass in front of his Halls of Residence. Carefully taping the spine back together when it eventually crumbled under the effort of being read cover to cover so many times. Lily's face when he gave her a book she'd never read for her birthday. Her look of abject disgust for whole chapters, followed by beaming smiles from ear to ear.

Elliot Hope knocked at the door to Connie's office. Concern was etched across her face as she unlocked the door to let him in. Once she'd pressed it shut behind him, some of it melted away.

"Hello Connie," he said softly.

"Elliot," she breathed. She ran a hand through her hair and accepted the hug she was offered. She felt so safe and reassured in his arms, she couldn't help releasing her frustration in floods of tears.

"It's okay Connie," he whispered into her hair. "You don't have to act in control. The door is closed and I'm the only one here." He held her and let her cry until eventually she pulled herself together, wiping her eyes.

"They wanted to phone down to you, but under the circumstances, I thought it was only fair to come down and tell you in person."

"Thank you, Elliot. I'm grateful, I promise, even if I have just cried all over you." Her voice barely held any expression, she was still very much in shock, from both the events of the day and the way in which she'd let down all of her guards to show her emotions for once.

When Elliot was gone, Connie called all the staff to a meeting in the staffroom to announce the news.

 **Sorry for the cliffhanger, I'll update as soon as I can!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Sorry for the wait, and that cliffhanger! I'm glad you liked Elliot coming in, honestly I couldn't imagine anyone else coming to break news to Connie, plus I love their friendship and wanted to fit it in somewhere. I'm beginning to wrap up this story I think, so please keep reviewing :)**

"If I could have your attention please," Connie said, as everyone filtered into the staffroom looking worried. They gradually fell silent and she cleared her throat. "Professor Hope just left the department and I imagine many of you will have wondered what he was doing down here. Elliot is a very great friend of mine, and he thought it necessary to give me the news in person, rather than to allow the surgeons to simply telephone the department as normal." She paused, wondering precisely how she was going to break the news. She started a sentence, not knowing where she was going to go with it.

"Dr Chao was indeed suffering from a ruptured appendix: well done Dr Keogh, well spotted." Dylan stared at the floor as Charlie patted his shoulder. "She also had extensive injuries to her legs. Unfortunately her appendicitis was so advanced it had caused the onset of septicaemia. Coupled with her leg injuries, it meant the surgical team were unable to save her left leg. They were forced to amputate below the knee." Connie's voice broke and Ethan feared the worst. Rita had been holding his hand, but at the clinical lead's words he buried his head in her shoulder. Zoe rubbed his back while looking at Connie with pleading eyes. As she opened her mouth to speak, Zoe closed her eyes, hoping with everything that she had for good news.

"I'm sorry," Connie said, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "I'm not used to addressing you under these circumstances. Although there were complications in theatre, and Lily will have to be on IV antibiotics for a few days yet, we believe she is through the worst now, and she should be coming round in the next few hours." The crowd of staff audibly relaxed and there were a few cheers. Ethan stopped crying at once, sweet relief seeping through him. He wiped tears from his cheeks, smiling broadly and not caring to hide his emotions.

Lily opened her eyes slowly. She felt exhausted and groggy but smiled regardless. She had made it. She pushed herself up to a sitting position – which was difficult as the sedatives hadn't quite worn off yet. She winced, reminded of the scar on her stomach. It was all still under a dressing so she couldn't see the stitches. Now she was awake, she hoped the sedation would start wearing off more so she could start moving around. Lily looked out of the windows of her side room. She wasn't far from the ED, not if she recognised that painting correctly.

Her copy of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' was propped open on the bedside table. There was a blue postit note stuck to the cover, 'I told you so' written on it, in Ethan's immaculate and immediately recognisable handwriting. She picked it up and began to read where she had left off, wishing she hadn't begged Ethan for the ending already.

There was a knock at the door, drawing her out of the book. She looked up and smiled.

"Come in," she said. Ethan opened the door, carrying a small bunch of flowers in one hand.

"Hi there," he said softly, passing her the flowers. She breathed in the scent, her eyes closed blissfully.

"Where on earth did you manage to buy me sweet peas?"

"Well, it wasn't easy! Connie told us you were going to come round shortly so I pretty much ran to the florist's on the high street. I figured even if you weren't awake you'd be able to smell them." He sat on the bed next to her. "Come here." He wrapped his arms around her and planted kisses in her hair. She rested her head on his chest and listened to his heart beating steadily. She felt safe.

"You had us all worried," he said as they pulled apart. They lay back against Lily's pillows, Ethan keeping one arm around her shoulders.

"Us?" she asked, her eyebrows raised.

"Mm-hm. Dylan's been ripping himself to shreds for the last couple of hours."

"Dylan?" Lily said incredulously.

"I keep forgetting you were completely out of it. As is my hand right now, hold on!" he laughed, extracting his arm from behind Lily's back, where it had gone completely numb. He groaned. "Pins and needles. Wonderful." He shook his arm around in the air.

"When you're quite finished! You were about to tell me why Dylan had suddenly become a caring soul!"

"Sorry. I was useless out there, I'm telling you. He was the one who figured out what was wrong, and he stopped your legs bleeding -" Ethan stopped abruptly, knowing Lily hadn't been told yet. Conveniently, his pager buzzed. He kissed her forehead. "I love you, but I have to go. They said they'd only page if they really had to."

"Go on," she conceded. "I'll see you later. Love you."

Ethan guiltily returned to the ED. He assisted Zoe with the victim of an RTC and felt almost normal again, but there was a dead weight in his stomach. Once their patient had been transferred upstairs, Zoe looked at the anxious registrar, confused.

"You must be glad she's going to be okay," she said, pulling off her latex gloves with a satisfying snap.

"I am, don't get me wrong, I love her more than anything. I just -" He couldn't say it, he couldn't tell Zoe what he'd done, or more accurately, what he hadn't.

"Ethan, what's the matter?" she said, concerned at to why he suddenly seemed so deflated. "Let's go to my office, where it's a bit quieter, yeah?"

She poured a cup of coffee for herself and remembered that Ethan always preferred tea.

"Are you going to tell me what happened or do I have to start digging?" she asked as she offered him a chocolate digestive from the packet stashed in her desk drawer.

"I can't do it Zoe, I just can't."

"Ethan, what's going on? An hour ago you were buzzing to go and see Lily, then you came back her with a face like a wet Wednesday." She paused. "Has – has something happened between you two?" she asked gently. Ethan shook his head, wringing his hands in his lap.

"She asked what happened, and I couldn't bring myself to tell her about her leg. She was so pleased to see me, and I brought flowers and her book..."

"The surgeons should have come to speak to her. It wasn't your responsibility to do that. I'll go now, give them a piece of my mind on the way, then you can follow me up there in about half an hour, okay? You can stay in here, if you want," she added, appreciating Ethan's introversion in a way most people didn't.


	19. Chapter 19

**Hi everyone, sorry for the long gap in uploads, I was away this weekend with no internet (oh the horrors!) On the upside, I've got a few more prewritten chapters so you can expect one a day for at least three days now. Please keep leaving reviews, it's so good to know what you think :)**

Zoe's high heels clicked menacingly along Holby's corridors as she strode angrily to Lily's room. She came across one of the surgical team on her way and had to resist the urge to slam him up against the wall. Outwardly, she projected an image of serenity which shattered when the surgeon spoke.

"Dr Hanna, it's good to see you again."

"I wish I could say the same. I've got a member of staff in there who not so long ago was fighting for her life. And yet no-one even offered her the common courtesy of letting her know she's now missing half of her left leg. I know you saved her, but you let her down, and I am fuming. Your team let her down," Zoe repeated angrily as the surgeon's face fell.

"She – she hadn't been made aware of the amputation?" he stammered, turning white. Zoe let out a rush of breath in frustration and ran a hand through her hair.

"Tell me this isn't happening," she muttered. "What did you just tell her?"

"I mentioned physiotherapy and the prosthetics clinic," he said, before Zoe pushed past him into Lily's room.

She looked up at once. Her brown eyes were wide and mournful, rimmed with red although no tears had fallen as yet.

"I suppose that's why Ethan left so quickly," she choked, stumbling over the words. "He didn't want to tell me."

"He wanted to tell you, more than anything else in the world, I promise you. He couldn't find the words to say it. I'm so sorry this happened to you Lily, you didn't deserve a second of it," Zoe said. Her own feeling of guilt were catching up with her now, like Dylan she thought there was more she could and should have done.

"Sorry about which bit?" Lily asked. "The part where I lied to everyone, and convinced Mrs Beauchamp I could go out on the trauma team? Or the part where I ignored Ethan's advice and worried him sick while I charged into an obviously unstable building?" she spat, tears rolling down her cheeks. "If this is anyone's fault, it's all mine." She stared at the ceiling and sniffed, then allowed Zoe to hug her as she continued crying.

"Come here sweetheart," Zoe said, wishing she'd worn waterproof mascara. "Please, please, don't go blaming yourself. You won't believe how many times I've heard those words floating around the department in the last hour." She stroked Lily's hair comfortingly before rubbing at her own eyes and sighing at the sight of make-up smeared on her thumbs. "No, I just wanted to say sorry for the part when I let a determined junior doctor pull the wool over my eyes, and for not checking you over when I had the chance. Now can we please talk about something else? You're going to make me cry again and I'm not sure there's a spare mascara in my desk drawer!" They laughed, which made Lily wince in pain and clutch her stomach. "Woah, be careful Lily, you don't want to go tearing those stitches," Zoe said, pulling her sheets down to check them quickly, but everything was as it should have been.

They chatted about pointless things for a while, which made Lily happy because she didn't have to think about her leg, or the scars, or facing the others again. Zoe promised to send more books for her to read – she appreciated her constant need to be doing something other than staring at the walls.

"Just one more thing, before you go," Lily said, as Zoe checked her appearance in the mirror and rubbed the last remnants of strayed eyeliner from under her eyes.

"Go on?"

"Ethan mentioned... something about Dr Keogh, I didn't know what to think..." Lily tailed off, not sure how to put what she wanted to say into words. Zoe narrowed her eyes.

"How much do you know, I mean of what happened at the trauma site? Can you remember anything of what Ethan told you, when you were on your way out of resus? You were pretty out of it, so I'd be surprised if you can remember anything at all. And at the trauma site you were unconscious for a long time."

"Well, I remember treating Annie, and then being in a lot of pain. I remember panicking that the building was collapsing, because I can still hear Ethan shouting for me to cover my head."

"Anything else?" Zoe asked. Lily thought for a moment before shaking her head. Zoe sighed. "In all honesty," she said slowly, "If Dylan hadn't been there I don't think we'd be having this conversation now."

Lily felt the gravity of this sentence about a second after it had taken her breath away.

It still didn't quite answer the questions rushing around her head, which she hadn't dared ask out loud yet. Dylan was a doctor, a very good one at that, he saved lives almost every day.

"Why would Ethan say he'd been ripping himself to shreds? He treats patients in a worse condition than me every day, I don't understand." Zoe paused, not sure what to say.

"Dylan hasn't been having a particularly easy time of it lately. He is... and amazing doctor at times, but..." she sighed deeply. "It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't done it. Treating patients day in, day out, is okay. They have names, but they might as well be anonymous because we're so used to detaching ourselves from them. You understand that, right?" Lily nodded, fidgeting with her sleeves as she began to see what Zoe was getting at. She was beginning to understand why the usually gruff and composed Dr Keogh had been reduced to a state reserved for concerned relatives.

"But treating a colleague," Zoe went on, "Someone you've worked with everyday, well, it's so different you wouldn't believe. You can't detach yourself from a person whose locker combination you know from looking over their shoulder every morning. All the time you remember the little things that they do, right down to the way they stir their coffee, and all you think of is the fact they're not doing them right at that moment. It's one of the hardest things in the world, because there's just so much responsibility on it." Lily could feel the tears threatening in her eyes again, and saw them in Zoe's too.

"So yes, Dylan has treated patients in far worse states than yours. But the fact that you're you meant there was so much riding on him getting everything right. I promise you, there is a wonderfully nice person underneath all of that impatience and sarcasm. He does care, honestly, even if it doesn't seem like it most of the time." Lily nodded, understanding perfectly and sincerely hoping she'd never end up in that situation herself. Zoe gave her one last hug and excused herself from the room.

Heading back to her office, she wondered what had been keeping Ethan in the ED. It had been much longer than the agreed half an hour, so why hadn't he come back to Lily's room? Her question was answered on entering her office, where she was greeted by a sight which made her smile. So exhausted by the evening's events, and finally at peace with his thoughts, Ethan was curled up, fast asleep on her sofa.


	20. Chapter 20

**I wanted to upload this chapter an hour ago, if you'll believe it, but with my terrible luck, the internet in my house died completely and I had to wait this long for it to start back up again! Anyway, I hope you enjoy :)**

Lily was bored, despite the quickly diminishing pile of books Ethan had brought from her flat, along with a few of his own. Robyn and Lofty had dropped by with a stack of DVDs, which she was extremely grateful for once she'd asked Ethan to bring her laptop too. It had come in handy for more than just the films though: her parents were away on business in New York and had Skype called her almost every day. They apologised profusely for not being at home to come and visit, but Lily didn't feel abandoned in the slightest. Most of the department had now paid her a visit – each with their own apology for the part they supposedly played in her accident. She had lost count of the number of times she'd told people it wasn't their fault, that there wasn't anyone to blame. She'd long since come to the conclusion that there truly wasn't anyone to blame, it was more a collection of mistakes that all happened to catch up with each other at the same time. All the same, this didn't stop her feeling guilty for all the times she'd pushed away help.

There had been three people missing from Lily's endless stream of visitors. Charlie, Dylan, and strangest of all, Connie. According to Ethan, she'd been rather subdued of late, although her temper was flaring up at regular intervals, keeping them all on their toes so they knew there wasn't anything seriously wrong with her.

So Lily was extremely surprised to hear an almost meek knock at her door, followed by Connie entering the room, one sunny morning when she'd have given life itself to go out for a run. The Clinical Lead carried an elegant and colourful bouquet of flowers, but seemed paler than usual, with two pink spots on her cheeks.

"I imagine you've done this a lot, can we please get the apologies out of the way first?" she asked, looking uneasy and not nearly as level-headed as usual.

"Is there any need? I think we've established there was no-one at fault. If we really have to do this, let's do it differently. I'll go first. I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp, I shouldn't have lied to you," Lily said, looking away quickly and smoothing her hair. Connie sighed.

"You're right, you shouldn't have. But I should not have accepted what you told me, and above all I should never have sent you out to that trauma site. That's what I had to apologise for, I had to, because whether you choose to accept this or not, my signature authorised you to leave the premises, leaving me ultimately responsible for your welfare." Connie's voice was quite and unsure, not unlike the way Lily would usually have addressed her, but a thousand miles from her normal tone. There was an awkward silence.

"When can I come back to work?" Lily asked quickly, as though the words had escaped before she'd thought them through. She clapped a hand over her mouth. Connie almost smiled, which melted a little of the stress etched into her face.

"Lily, you can't even walk yet, I can't possibly consider -"

"I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It's just -" Lily paused. She had wanted to ask this question for so long, but hadn't quite trusted any of the other doctors to give her a sincere answer. "Will I still be able to be a doctor?" she whispered. Connie held Lily's hand and looked her dead in the eye.

"You are an excellent doctor. There isn't a reason in the world to believe an artificial foot will change that. I will keep your post open for your return," she added reassuringly.

When Connie was gone, Lily fell asleep. Combined with all her medication, her racing thoughts and constantly being in some degree of discomfort was utterly exhausting. Even so, it was far easier to sleep knowing she would be able to return to the job she loved when this was all over.

Things were almost back to normal in the ED once Connie and Lily had cleared the air between them. The former was still a little short tempered for the staff's liking but no more so than before the accident. The latter was still reading voraciously and wishing she would be anywhere else in the world than confined to a bed in a room she'd long since fallen out of love with. Ethan visited every day with news and chocolate. He;d given up telling Lily there was no need for him to recount cases at length, because whether she could help in any form or not, medicine had always been the thing to make her tick and it never failed to capture her interest.

When Zoe broke the news that Lily could have her cannula removed to come of the IV drip, there was only one thought in her head.

"Can I go out?" she asked, sounding as though all her Christmases had come at once, at the prospect of being released.

"Do you want to go now?" Zoe asked, knowing the answer before she received a response: Lily was almost fizzing with excitement. She helped the junior doctor change into leggings and a hoodie. Lily took a deep breath before rolling the left leg of her leggings up until she could comfortable tuck it under her knee. She brushed her hair and pulled it into a French plait. As Zoe helped her shuffle into her wheelchair, there was something Lily felt she had to check.

"They all know, don't they?" she whispered.

"Yes, they all know. Connie made sure of that when you first came out of theatre." Lily nodded, it was the first and probably only time she would be glad of everyone knowing her business.

Zoe pushed the wheelchair through the doors of the ED and the pair were greeted by rapturous applause. Lily blushed ferociously, especially when Ethan leaned down to kiss her on the cheek and murmur into her ear.

"I love you," he said, squeezing her hand.


	21. Chapter 21

Ethan had a plan. He only Lily would agree to it.

"I've been thinking," he began nervously.

"Always dangerous. Should I take cover now, or later?" she joked. He raised his eyebrows and adjusted his glasses. He'd never been in this situation before and didn't have any idea how it would pan out. He was only sure of one thing: he was doing the right thing.

"Not yet, hear me out first. It's not long now until you can go home. And I know your flat is beautiful, like you, and you love it, but it's on the first floor."

"Don't remind me. It would be okay if the lift ever worked, and if the doors weren't so narrow," she said wistfully.

"Oh come off it Lily. As things stand you can't look after yourself right now, and what's more I think you know that too."

Lily sighed. Everything he had said was true, but there were no real solutions, not that she could see, anyway. Ethan tapped his fingertips on his leg, controlling his breathing.

"Move in with me," he said quickly.

"What?" Lily said in disbelief. "Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

"Ethan, I don't think you understand quite what that would entail. I honestly can't do anything for myself at the moment and I don't want all of that burden on you. You deserve so much more than this."

"I promise you, with all of my heart, if I didn't know what I was letting myself in for I never would have offered. I really, really love you Lily, and it would be an honour to take care of you, for as long as you need me." He kissed her and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. She put a hand on the back of his neck, stroking the back of his hair.

"If it's truly what you want, then my answer is an unequivocal yes. Thank you doesn't even brush the surface."

He pushed her wheelchair out to the Peace Garden that afternoon. The sound of birdsong overlapped in stark contrast to the echoes of ambulance sirens from the front of the hospital. They didn't have to speak to appreciate each other's company. Lily intertwined her fingers in Ethan's and closed her eyes, blissfully aware of a slight breeze and the scent of freshly mown grass mingling with petrol fumes. Road noise used to drive Ethan mad, but he would rather be deafened with it forever and sit beside Lily, than never hear it again and have to live without her. His pager buzzed and he groaned.

"Damn. Do you need me to push you back?"

"No, just help me back into the chair and I'll be fine."

"But -"

"But nothing," Lily said. "You need to go and it can't be that hard to wheel myself." She squealed and laughed as he lifted her up into the air from the bench, having expected him to help her hop over to the chair. She kissed the side of his neck as he set her down.

In truth, Lily was just eager to prove to herself that she could do something alone, without help. Of course she was grateful to everyone for their help, but she really wanted to be independent for a little while. After a few minutes she regretted her decision. Wheeling herself through the gravel paths of the Peace Garden was exhausting, and she really hadn't anticipated, or ever noticed, how steep the ramp to the door was. She battled halfway up, then without thinking, she took her hands off the wheels for less than a second to brush her hair behind her ears. She rolled backwards down the ramp and hit the wall at the bottom. Tears spilled down her face. She felt so useless, so pathetic. Her head in her hands, she didn't see Charlie approaching. His fatherly hand on her back made her jump and look up with a start.

"It's okay, I didn't mean to scare you," he said gently. "Let's go back inside, yeah?" Lily nodded, gratefully accepting the tissue he held out for her. Charlie pushed the wheelchair smoothly through the hospital, calmly dismissing people who tried to crowd around and ask if Lily was okay.

"She's fine," he said firmly to each of them.

Back in the safety of the room, with the door closed, Lily cried herself out and eventually calmed down.

"I feel so useless," she said simply.

"You won't be like this forever, I'm sure of it Lily."

"And what if I am? I hate being dependent on everybody, and I know they care but I hate knowing everyone is so worried about me all the time." There was a pause. Then Charlie spoke, in the tone Lily recognised from the way he spoke to concerned relatives, the ones who had no hope left.

"You know how I know you won't be like this forever?" Charlie said. "Because you hid appendicitis from us for weeks! Do you have any idea how long people usually hold out with that? About three days, maximum. No-one with that much determination, and utter stubbornness at times, would ever accept this as the way things will always be. You've got to be one of the strongest people in this hospital." Lily blushed scarlet. Deciding what to say next, Charlie helped Lily back into bed. "What I really can't understand though, is how you could end up so shy. When you arrived here you were so outgoing, and even now you waltz effortlessly into cubicles with six foot hooded teenage yobs! Why couldn't you tell any of us that there was something wrong?"

"I don't know," Lily said honestly.

It wasn't as if she'd ever been afraid of any of her colleagues (Connie definitely didn't count here.) None of them had ever given her a reason to be shy of them: not once had she received the reactions she'd imagined. They would never laugh in her face or try to make her feel small. With the exception of Dylan their response wouldn't be riddled with sarcasm, but even he probably didn't mean it anymore. And yet there was still something that had stopped her reaching out to any of them. An invisible barrier holding in her words, keeping her lips tightly shut and stopping the words on the journey from her brain to her mouth.

"You look shattered, make sure you get some rest," Charlie said. He checked his watch and his jaw dropped. "Rita will have my guts for dog food, I'm so late! I'll see you soon Lily."


	22. Chapter 22

The day Lily was scheduled to go home dawned bright and warm. To her surprise, Ethan had pulled some strings with Connie and swapped his shift, allowing him the whole day off to help her move in with him. She had already given him a key to her flat with the instruction to start boxing things up, but she hadn't expected him to match her meticulous levels of organisation. In a week he had packed up everything he could and labelled the boxes. They planned to go to her flat on leaving Holby, so she could decide how much of it she'd be keeping.

Lily had hoped her departure wouldn't coincide with the middle of a shift, but unluckily, as Ethan wheeled her through the ED it was almost full of people wishing her well. She rolled her eyes, thinking no-one could see her. She was mistaken: Zoe looked over at that exact moment.

"You didn't honestly think you'd be able to escape quietly did you?" she called from the opposite side of reception. She suddenly dashed through cubicles and triage, rounding up the rest of the usual crowd. She disappeared for a moment and returned with flowers and a good luck card. Zoe leant very close to Lily's ear as she gave her a hug.

"I heard your first physio session didn't go too well, but I know you can do this. Don't you dare give up, we need you too much!"

"I look forward to welcoming you back, as soon as you're ready Lily. And not a moment too soon, okay Ethan?" Connie said with a smile. Then there was a flurry of people giving Lily hugs and wishing her luck. Sitting in the car a few minutes later, she sighed with relief.

"Everything okay?" Ethan asked.

"Just perfect," she replied. "I'm really glad to be going home, but it will be strange not seeing people every day for a while." Ethan kissed her cheek before starting the car.

"As if you being at home will stop people coming to see you! They care too much for that." Lily checked her reflection in the mirror and saw a familiar figure standing alone in the doorway of the ED. Dylan. Even though she knew he couldn't see her, she shyly averted her gaze.

He watched the car drive away, wishing he'd found the courage to go and speak to Lily earlier. He knew nothing of what Zoe had told Lily, but the consultant had known him and been good friends with him for long enough for every one of her assumptions te be true. No matter how much he'd heard of Lily refusing to listen to people take the blame, he couldn't stop the feelings of guilt permeating his mind like smoke. She lost her foot and there must have been something he missed, something he'd forgotten to do. He was her doctor, the one in charge of her care, ergo it was his responsibility to stop this happening. He frowned, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Dylan?" Zoe said, emerging into the sunshine. "Are you okay?"

"Not really," he said shortly, before turning on his heel, collecting his car keys and jacket from his locker and leaving, mid-way through his shift.

Lily was too tired to do much sorting in her flat. Just to get there, Ethan had had to carry her up the flight of stairs, her crutches in her arms. They almost hadn't made it, they had been laughing so hard by the time they reached her door, she had to wipe the tears from both of their eyes.

"All good?" he said as he gently set her down and waited for her to regain her balance on her crutches.

"Um, yes. Except the key is in my pocket, and I don't trust myself not to fall over on these things yet. This is ridiculously embarrassing, but could you possibly..." Ethan sighed as she asked this, but obliged because they didn't have much choice.

Lily hobbled through the door and gasped. She had expected her flat to be a mess – instead she could see brown cardboard boxes with neatly written white labels, more or less in the previous positions of their contents.

"I thought it would make things easier for you if everything, or nearly everything, was taken care of. One less thing to think about," Ethan explained.

"You don't understand how brilliant I think you are right now," she said. "I really want to hug you, but I'm really not sure that would be wise."

"Perhaps not," Ethan smiled, hugging her regardless of the way she wobbled on the crutches. Lily yawned.

"This is insane. I used to work twelve hour shifts and now I'm exhausted after being carried up a flight of stairs," she sighed.

"We don't have to sort all this today. I thought you might just want to pick up a few important boxes tonight, and we could deal with the rest another day," Ethan said.

"I like that idea very much."

She started hobbling around the flat, choosing a few boxes. Books, Music and DVDs, Airing Cupboard. A smile danced across her lips when she noticed Ethan hadn't touched her wardrobe. He hadn't wanted to rummage through her clothes, it felt too personal and besides, he didn't have the faintest idea what he would have done with any of it. Appreciating this, Lily asked if he wouldn't mind taking the few boxes she'd chosen down the care, so she could choose the clothes she needed. He obliged, glad he wouldn't be introduced to the contents of her underwear drawer, and left the room.

Lily sorted out enough clothes for a week, knowing she'd be coming back long before she ran out of clothing. She sat quietly on the bed when she was finished, catching her breath back from the effort of moving herself around the room unaided. She ran her fingertips across the crochet quilt on top of her duvet. The last time she'd slept in this bed, it had been cool enough to need it. She remember vividly counting the squares for each row as her grandmother sewed them together. Lily had been eighteen, it was the summer before university, and her grandmother had been insistent that she take a new quilt with her. Lily couldn't deny, it had always been a huge comfort to her, even now, nearly ten years later.

Ethan came back into the room. Lily looked up, shuffling off the bed onto her crutches and nearly losing her balance.

"Okay?" he checked.

"Yes. Can – would you mind folding the quilt from the bed? It would just be nice, you know, something old in a new place." Ethan knew exactly what his girlfriend meant and didn't mind the extra trip to the car. He vehemently denied Lily's offer of carrying it and her crutches while he carried her. Even without the quilt, it was considerably more difficult to carry her downstairs than it had been to carry her up them. They found it just as funny, which was half of the problem.

"The things you do for me," Lily smiled as she pulled her seatbelt across herself. Ethan turned the key in the ignition and looked over to her.

"I'd do it all again in the heartbeat," he replied, really glad that he wouldn't have to worry about Lily on her first night out of hospital.


	23. Chapter 23

**This is the second to last chapter (unless I suddenly find a massive plot hole - highly unlikely but I'm just covering all the bases!) Just so you know as you read this chapter, Arthur is completely made up, he's not a character in Casualty and is definitely not the same Arthur as the one in Holby City!**

"This isn't getting any easier, or any less painful," Lily said, trying hard not to limp across the physiotherapy room on her new prosthetic foot. Ethan walked alongside her loyally as she slowly paced up and down the linoleum floor.

"You are doing better every time I come to watch. You walk more freely every single time," he encouraged.

"And you have to remember, you're training new parts of your leg to take all the impact of walking," the physiotherapist said. He was a middle-aged man called Arthur, who didn't mind repeating this to Lily for what seemed to be the millionth time. The in-between times didn't matter so much; his sole focus was on helping his patients walk away for the final time.

"Yeah, and training myself to cope with blisters in places I never thought possible," Lily hissed, frowning with the effort.

"That will ease, in time. Like the rest of your recovery process, it will take time," Arthur said patiently. Lily let out a rush of breath and stopped, mid-way across the room. Ethan took her hand instinctively and she squeezed it a little harder than he had been expecting. He winced.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to do that," she said.

"It's okay, if that's what's going to get you through this then squeeze away. But do try not to crush all of the bones in my hand, I might need them for my shift later," he smiled.

"All right, enough of the sarcasm Dr Hardy!" she said breathlessly. She made her way to the other side of the room and sat down heavily.

"Remind me again why I'm doing this?" she asked. "Why am I putting myself through this, every single week, when I'm clearly not getting any better?"

"Don't be stupid," Ethan said gently. "Can you remember the first time we came? You could barely take one step on that foot. And yet you still battled on. By the time we reached this end of the room you were in tears, but you still did it."  
"That didn't answer my question," she retorted irritably. She was directing her anger more at herself than at Ethan, because she truly couldn't see the progress she'd made, since that first session that was so bad even Zoe heard about it (although Lily was unaware that this was only because Ethan had poured out his woes over tea in her office.)

"Okay then. Cast your mind back further. When Mrs Beauchamp visited you, the first thing she said when she came back was 'I can't imagine we'll be without Dr Chao for very long.' And do you know why she said that? She's visited colleagues in hospital before, and none have sounded so earnest about returning to work as you did that day. That's why you're doing this: because you're an amazing doctor, you know you are, adn you love your job." Lily leaned against him, smiling.

"I do, but not nearly as much as I love you. I think I'm ready to go home now."

"Your wish is my command m'lady. Thank you for your help, Arthur, we really appreciate it." He noticed Lily's face drop when she realised her wheelchair was at the other end of the room. "I can't believe we're doing this again. Come on you!" He picked her up like she weighed nothing, and carried her across the room to the chair.

"You didn't have to do that you know," she said over the kitchen table later on.

"I like coming to physio with you. You need me," he replied, deliberately not making ey contact.

"That's not what I meant, Ethan Hardy, and you know it! I meant carrying me across the room again."

"I wasn't going to have you crawl, those leggings are new, are they not? And since I'm the one doing the washing round here, I think I have every right to decide what you're not allowed to do in your clothes. God, I sound like my mother!" It was a sure sign that Ethan was getting over his grief, that he didn't even flinch at his words anymore. Lily took his hand.

"I'm going to bed, okay? Thank you for today."

"You're very welcome, as always. Do you want me to bring you a cup of tea before I get ready for work?" he asked. Lily deliberated, then nodded. "Would you like me to help you?" he said, seeing the tiredness in her eyes. He may have converted the dining room into an easy-access bedroom, but that did nothing for the exhaustion after a session making it hard for Lily to get anywhere at all.

"You shouldn't have to this for me," she sighed.

"But I do, and I don't love you any less for it. I'd do the same thing again."

"Have I told you lately how brilliant you are?" she said, smiling wearily.

"Oh, not nearly enough," he joked, helping her out of the chair and onto her crutches.

When Lily was asleep, Ethan drove to Holby for his night shift. He thought he was imagining it at first, but as the night wore on, he became sure that Dylan was avoiding him. He was confused, but for Dylan things were crystal clear. He'd messed up big time for Lily, so the more he stayed out of her life the better. When he ended up in resus with Ethan, as seven o'clock and the end of the shift drew near, he barely made eye contact with him at all. The patient was losing output fast, but Dylan was determined not to ruin any more lives. He was far too aware of his patient's wife standing outside resus, her hands resting on her baby bump.

"Dr Keogh, he's been asystolic for thirty minutes. These continuous cycles of compressions are not going to bring him back." Dylan paused Ethan's chest compressions to check for a pulse at the man's neck.

"Resume CPR," he ordered. Ethan sighed, powerless to disagree. Panting, he tried to reason with the consultant.

"Dr Keogh, you need to consider -"

"No, continue compressions," he said gruffly.

"But -"

"FINE!" Dylan snapped. "If it's what you so desperately want, I'll call it. Stop compressions. Time of death – 6.59am. Happy now?" He stormed out of resus, ignoring Ethan's pleas to return and walking past his dead patient's wife without giving her a second glance. Reaching the locker room, he closed the door behind him and leant against it, breathing hard. He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. Despite his best efforts, a tear escaped his eye and he brushed it away angrily.

There was a gentle knock at the door. Dylan didn't move.

"Leave me alone Dr Hardy."

"Dylan, it's me," Zoe said anxiously.

"Don't, Zoe. I really, really don't want to talk about it."


	24. Chapter 24

**So this is it, the very last chapter of my very first fanfiction. Wow. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed: ETWentHome, Tato Potato, Tanith Panic, theverystuffoflife, xXxAnInspiredWriterxXx, niamhmcshane22 and Cactus-Creations; I've loved reading every single one of your reviews. Thank you for all your feedback, and I'm glad to hear you're excited about the sequel I've been planning! I realised I never actually made this clear at the start, but this story was named after the Gabrielle Aplin song, since it was sort of my starting inspiration for the chapters involving Lily's accident. I'm glad you've enjoyed the story, and I hope this ending lives up to any expectations that you may have (and I apologise if it leaves you asking questions that won't be answered until the sequel! Please review, I'd love to know what you thought of this chapter, and the story as a whole. Now, on with the chapter, I've rambled on for far too long!**

* * *

"Are you ready?" Ethan said. Lily took a deep breath. This day had been coming the best part of a year, and it seemed strange now to be arriving in the staff car park of Holby's ED, twenty minutes before the start of her shift. She checked her reflection in the mirror and straightened her ponytail one last time.

"Let's do it."

She held Ethan's hand until they were in plain sight of the door.

"I had begun to think the Ice Princess had thawed her crown," Ethan said as she squeezed his hand then let it drop to his side.

"I just want to do this for myself, to show everyone that things are back to normal." Just to prove that perhaps the Ice Princess _had_ thawed, she kissed between his eyebrows, standing on tiptoe and balancing on the tip of her prosthetic foot.

"And if I couldn't appreciate that, I'd be the worst person on this earth. Good luck today, I love you."

"Love you too," she replied, before drawing herself up to her full height and walking confidently into the ED.

Ethan waited for a few moments, at the door, after Lily had gone in, so as to grant her wish of entering independently. With baited breath, he smiled slightly as he watched her walk up to the reception desk and sign in like it was a normal day, and she'd never been away.

"Morning," Louise said automatically, not realising who it was. She looked up and gasped in surprise. "Oh! Lily, it's you!"

"It's me," Lily smiled. "And before you ask, I'm feeling fine. It's good to be back." She turned around as she heard the click of expensive heels. Zoe and Connie looked equally pleased and relieved to see her.

"And it's good to have you back. Still nervous?" Zoe said, hugging Lily tightly and lifting her off the ground a few inches.

"Hey, watch out! I can walk but don't test me too hard!" Lily laughed. "And I'm still terrified," she said. Zoe had been round to visit the week before, and had tries her level best to iron out Lily's worries and help her feel ready to come back to work.

"I'm very proud that you've recovered so well, Lily," Connie said. "But is Dr Chao ready to take up the reins again?"

"Yes," Lily said without pausing to think. "Absolutely."

"Good to hear it. I've paired you with Dr Keogh today, just to allow you to get your bearings and ease back in gently."

"If that's even possible in this place," Zoe said, putting Lily at ease.

"Thank you, Mrs Beauchamp. I won't let you down.

Zoe felt uneasy about Dylan being paired with Lily. She had guessed her still felt guilty, and could see easily enough that he had been on edge for the last few days, in anticipation of Lily's return. But there was nothing she could do: she was in meetings all morning so couldn't take his place, and Connie was neither aware of the situation nor available to pair with Lily herself.

Lily knew nothing of Dylan's malaise surrounding her return. They were both fairly reserved people, so neither one felt the need to discuss the accident. She wasn't outgoing enough to gush gratefulness, and he wasn't mean enough to snap at her in the same way he had done Ethan. He had apologised for this anyway, and Ethan hadn't thought any more of it, simply that the stress of the situation had gotten to him like it did everyone at one time or another.

The two doctors worked as if nothing had happened between them, which suited them just fine. Lily was appreciative of being paired up at all: the ED was much busier than she remembered it and things moved so quickly. It would take a while for her to catch up, she was sure. After a few hours, and a particularly stressful case in resus, Lily looked stunned. Dylan looked over to her as he removed his gloves and plastic apron and couldn't help himself caring for the young doctor – she had wide eyes and an expression as if it was her first day all over again.

"Go and get something to eat and a cup of tea. Just to, er, clear your head a little for the next one. I'm sure I can cope by myself for twenty minutes," he said, knowing this was what she needed to hear: that she was doing fine but was still his valued and needed partner in crime for the day.

"Thank you, Dr Keogh."

"Don't mention it."

Lily wanted desperately to thank him for more than just the break, but she didn't know how. Those two little words seemed paltry in comparison to what she felt in gratitude to him. She sat in the staffroom with a cup of tea, and looked up quickly when Zoe walked in.

"The first day back is always the worst," Zoe said knowingly. "By the end of the week it'll be like you've never been away." She sat down next the Lily. "How are you doing?"

"Good , I think. I haven't had two seconds to stop and check, up until now!" she said, laughing a little. "Dr Keogh's being nice, to me, which I didn't expect."

"He's feeling very awkward about being paired with you, to tell you the truth. He's already been to ask me if I would swap my morning for his, and he hates meetings with a passion." Lily wrung her hands in her lap until Zoe put her hand over them to stop her.

"It's not you, at least not directly." Lily thought she finally understood, although she felt worse for it. If her guess was correct, then she didn't know what to do, but she wished there was anyone else to work with besides Dylan. He felt guilty about her foot, she'd know it all along. And now, being paired with her, there was no getting away from it. She resolved to be helpful but not overbearing, gentle but not patronising, for the rest of the day.

Dylan had made the same promise to himself that morning, unbeknown to Lily. When she returned from her break he granted her the independence she so obviously wanted back. He left her in triage with some basic, non-life-threatening cases. Ethan watched her from a distance. He saw the doctor she had been before all this happened; she easily fell back into step with Holby ED.

"Lily?" Robyn said, coming around the curtain into the cubicle. "Mrs Beauchamp wants a word with you, if you're free. I can take over here." The shift was more than half over now, so Lily didn't mind. For the first time, she knocked on Connie's door with confidence, her cheeks flushed with pride that her first day back had gone without a hitch (although she didn't want to jinx it now, with three hours to go.)

"Congratulations, Dr Chao. I'm impressed, that was a first day to be proud of," Connie said. "Have you been keeping Dr Keogh in check?" she joked.

"Yes, and vice versa, I'm sure." Lily smiled, feeling relaxed for the first time in a few days.

"You certainly seem happy enough to be back. How would you feel about staying paired up for the rest of the week, until you find your feet and pick up your regular pace?"

"I like that idea very much," Lily replied. "But I think Dr Keogh might prefer it is I was paired with someone else," she added as an afterthought.

"Is there a problem between you?" Connie asked, her face sincere.

"Not at all. I think he might be... feeling a bit, I don't know, maybe a bit guilty... about my foot," Lily said, embarrassed and ashamed that she'd told someone about this.

"I see."

"Please don't tell him I said anything. I might be wrong, and I wouldn't want him to think I was making assumptions," Lily said quickly.

"Don't worry. I'll ensure that tomorrow, you will work with either Dr Hanna or myself. And there's always Dr Hardy at a push," she added, a glint in her eye that Lily had never seen before.

Ethan met lily in reception when the shift was over, as they'd agreed that morning.

"I'm so proud of you for today," he said.

"I'm really not that special, I was just doing my job."

"But you are, and I wish you could see what I see." Ethan had steeled himself for this all day. He pressed his lips to hers, in front of everyone, and to Lily's surprise she didn't feel in the least embarrassed when people started to cheer and clap. When they pulled apart, she whispered in his ear.

"Half of them are only cheering because they want a look at my robot foot. You won't believe the number of times I've been asked to show it off."

"Just do it," Ethan whispered, concealing a laugh. "Who are you, Dr Chao, to deny your adoring crowd what they want to see?" With that, Lily lifted the hem of her her jeans a few inches, amid much laughter and a defiant whoop from Max. She took Ethan's hand to leave, smiling widely.

She noticed Dylan standing just outside the ED and told Ethan she'd meet him in the car.

"Dr Keogh, have you got a moment?" she asked, almost masking the shyness in her voice. Dylan tensed momentarily, then nodded uncertainly. "I just wanted to say, I don't want you to feel guilty about my foot. I'm sorry, deeply, if I've made the wrong assumption, but I'm truly grateful to be standing here right now, back to being a doctor, like I'm supposed to be."

"A doctor, with one foot, which I should have done more to prevent happening," Dylan said bluntly.

"Yes, I have one foot. But if you hadn't done what you did, I probably wouldn't be here at all. You can keep telling yourself you could have done more, God knows it's what I would be doing too, but I want you to know that I am truly, truly grateful to you. By all accounts you pretty much saved my life. Thank you Dr Keogh – Dylan," she corrected.

Dylan knew the gnawing sense of guilt was unlikely to leave him any time soon, but he was glad of clearing the air with Lily.

"You're welcome," he said after a moment. "I don't think this department would ever be the same, if there was a Lily-sized hole in it."

"Maybe it wouldn't and you've only got yourself to thank for that. You couldn't save my foot but who knows -"

"I might have saved it from being taken over by a very talented young doctor. Well done for today, there aren't many people who could have slipped back in like that." There was a long pause.

"I think normal people are supposed to hug in these situations," he said eventually.

"Dylan, we're emergency doctors in one of the busiest hospitals in the country, we're both socially inept and to top it all off, I only have one foot. We're not normal people at all, are we?"

 **The End.**


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